It is interesting how humans, in their drive to separate and divide themselves, seeing themselves as individuals alone in the universe, even dividing themselves from their adoration and devotion to the physical reality, can’t see how their personal experiences are connected to things that they believe to be separate and even random things, such as the weather.
I find it interesting how, everything I just went through, blindly passing through what was probably the darkest and most important revelation and realization of this journey, something that defined the true essence of all of my suffering in this life as well as a divide between me and others, unable to fully embrace them and love their expressions.
A journey that I’ve been enjoying for the past year or so, that has been unifying and connecting the dots of my life and the many things I’ve experienced as well as absorbed throughout my life, came to a place where I had to pass through this darkness, unable to see but holding on to the hand of my heart who wouldn’t explain what was to come but would lovingly walk me through it, all happened during a long, heavy and even burdensome snowstorm, or multiple snowstorms, which caused heavy low clouds enshrouding the environment of my experience as I passed through this dark and, not so much painful or even fearful, period but simply walking not knowing where I was going, where at one time I looked up at the low hanging clouds and said, “What a strange storm.” trusting solely in my heart who pressed me on and, on the day that I passed through this darkness, the sky is completely blue. Not a cloud in the sky with the blueness only obscured by entrails from jets that have passed overhead. The sun shining brightly, as if celebrating this beautiful and great day of liberation with me. The weather as a whole having defined and expressed the environment of this passing and of the day of liberation.
The most fascinating part is that I documented most of it here in my blog. Many of my thoughts and feelings, being able to actually see how blind I was, the things I was thinking and saying along the way, and then, the joy of the feelings of liberation only minutes after I had experienced them.
In a way, I’ve already given thanks to all of those who have come, some having come across the universe from where they might have been at the time, to show their love and support for me. What I found interesting about this gathering of influences was that, as I looked down at the mass gathering, their faces all looking up to me with complete love and support, I saw the face of someone I truly didn’t expect. In fact, I saw other faces also.
As I wrote at that time when I saw them, though I didn’t express it in this way, I saw the face of my mother and the face of my father. I also find it interesting that, at the front of this mass gathering, there was a man who would, based on the current perspective of him and throughout history, would have seemed out of place there. When he looked up to me, his expression of love for me was also filled with a sense of admiration for me, which is such a great compliment and honor coming from him. His name is Jesus.
When I look into the faces of Regina, Marina and Kimbra, I feel so much more love and admiration for them than I did before, which I didn’t think was possible. I also feel a deep unifying connection with them. As if, when I see their faces, I not only experience their expression in the physical world, but also within me. This is truly beautiful. It is the same with so many others, including those who came to the gathering of influence, such as John, Jack and Jim, as well as Albert Camus and many others. I also feel a deep unifying connection with them also.
Earlier, I broke down in tears as I thought of all the people I have interacted with in the past and couldn’t fully embrace and love them for who they are. Feeling the same thing with them as I have felt with the others, their physical expression unifying and connecting with my own heart, becoming part of me within.
Yes, I may be physically alone in the world but I am far from alone. In fact, I wasn’t alone before but now have so many others gathering into my heart and becoming a part of me and me a part of them.
Of course, I give thanks to my heart, who is the main participant of my journey. Guiding me and loving me through everything. Coordinating everything so they all happened at the exact time that they are supposed to happen. Gathering together such a large and a beautiful gathering of support for me as I have passed through this journey as a whole. I love her more than I could ever describe with words.
Then there are those here, who all came to mind just after I offered my thanks to others in my last post, thinking, “Oh, I forgot to mention some of my most important supporters.”
Though your numbers are small, which is actually good for me, your dedication to following along with me on this journey has given me such a great amount of support of which I could never fully describe in just a few words. I want you to know that I love you all so very much and I am so very grateful to you and your expressions in this life. Without you, all of this wouldn’t have been possible.
Today, as I was standing, waiting for the butter to melt in the pan to cook some eggs and I noticed I was doing something very different than I usually do. I was moving to the music I was listening to. More than moving, I was actually dancing. Not just swaying but moving about dancing like, what some might see as being a “girly” way. So expressive and beautiful.
When I noticed this I did become self conscious for a moment. Then I smiled and just let it go. It felt so wonderful. So freeing and liberating. I am a great admirer of dance. I love to watch others dance but rarely do I allow myself to experience it for myself. It was so wonderful to feel the dance not only in my physical body but coming from my heart as I moved about in ways I honestly can say, I’ve never done before, not in this way.
There I was, (I will be honest, when this came to mind I hesitated writing it) in my black leggings, royal blue top, underneath, an athletic bra holding false breasts in their proper place, wrapped in my thick, comfy, cozy robe, dancing away freely and expressively to music I love and adore, sung and performed by women I love, admire and adore in so many ways, who have been here supporting me throughout this journey.
In some ways, again it seems that the journey has come to an end in some way yet, as I know, and those who have followed my journey know, that this is merely one of many destinations I have arrived at and, many times, they have seemed like the end of the journey only to have the journey expand the next day into something new, amazing and beautiful.
As of now, I will enjoy this day off from work dancing and feeling the newly found liberation and freedom that my heart has so lovingly and patiently guided me to experiencing. Go for a walk in the beautiful sunshine, experiencing going outside differently, even from yesterday, than I’ve every experiences it before. The sun shining brightly, celebrating along with me, this great and beautiful day of liberation.