There are times when I have to admit, life here truly seems very strange. When I wake up after only two hours of sleep, which has become my new normal, and a completely new layer to the universe of my perspective reveals itself, and with it, a nearly completely new way of viewing life reveals itself. It is at these points where it is no longer about saying, “I don’t know how much more I can take.” and it becomes “How much more is there for me to see?”
Well, I know that the answer to that question is that there is no end to it so why ask the question.
Basically, because of what my heart has asked me to do and through my submissive desire to please her, I have done, I basically have no secrets. Yes, there are things that I haven’t said but I would be willing to say them if they came up and were of use in expressing something.
Basically, I have expressed myself to a point where, based on the current, prevailing perspective reality, I am a heterosexual transvestite freak who will most likely always be physically alone because there is really no one I could physically be with who would be able to allow me to fully express who I am to the physical world without interfering with my expression. Therefore, for me to be with someone based on the current, prevailing perspective reality, would mean that they wouldn’t seek to dominate or control the very deeply submissive and passive feminine expression that is who I am, who is within a male body and who doesn’t have any sexual desire to be with someone who would be the physical representation, based on the current, prevailing perspective reality, who is sexually compatible with the expression that I am.
Basically, based on the current, prevailing perspective reality, all social groups are based upon their sexual compatibility. This sexual compatibility has expanded over time. Generally, if I were a woman I would be a lesbian. I am a man so it would be expected that my sexual compatibility would be that I would be gay and desire to be with men so as to counter or join with someone who would represent the dominant balance to my deep submissiveness. There is the possibility of my finding a woman who would accept a submissive male but even she would most likely be a more dominant woman who would then seek to dominate and use for my submissiveness for her pleasure, which would please me because I experience deep pleasure from giving pleasure, yet by being in such a relationship, it would prevent me from truly expressing who I am. This is because of one added component. The “spiritual” component.
Through this journey I have come to view the “spiritual” in a much different way than I ever had before. Much of it is not based necessarily on anything I have read or learned from others. Yes, there are pieces of the things I have acquired over the years that have been used to piece into the overall image but, for the most part, it has been my own heart who has revealed the grand image to me.
In fact, most everything, every images of which has been put together about life in general through this journey has been made up of some pieces from what I’ve acquired over the years then joined together by things my heart has placed in to form the entire image. Parts which are based on her ability to see things are a grander scale that I can, being that she is my higher self.
Without her, no matter who much I would have read or knowledge I would have acquired, even if I read every book ever written, it is all merely pieces, fragments of the overall image and I would be still lacking of understanding the true image.
Just as with everything in the physical, they are, in some way, an expression of who we truly are in the “spiritual.” Nothing here of human creation could exist without some component of the the “spiritual” within them.
A way of looking at this is intent of the creation. Much like how many technological advances have been “invented” for certain purposes or intent, only to later be used for other purposes and intents, such as for violence, warfare or exploitation of others. In a sense, most every technological advance was brought forth with certain intents but could be used for other things.
It is the same with the “spiritual” which could be seen as the true “technological” because all human “creations” are based on the “spiritual.” They were brought forth as expressions of what is within a person.
Well, it seems that this can’t be wholly true being that many things are made without any “spiritual” intent to them. That is, if you perceive “spiritual” in a certain way, as being all pure and perfect that is defined by a human standard of what “perfect” and “pure” is.
A good example is sexuality. Sexuality is currently used, for the most part, for physical pleasure and enjoyment. Yet, sexuality is based on a “spiritual” concept of unifying or bringing two into one.
Humans have tried to imitate or emulate this aspect through the concept of marriage but this hasn’t offered the true nature of this spiritual oneness or unification of separate beings into one. In a sense, it is like carving a piece of wood into an image of unity then calling it unity, rather than simply a symbol of unity for which it is, and believing that, in some strange way, by possessing this carved piece of wood, you now possess unity.
In the case of marriage, which us often used frivolously by humans as something they can do and undo at anytime they like, barring the legal inconveniences they have to pass through, it is not even so much a symbol of unity or oneness anymore. In many cases, it doesn’t even need to exist at all as a symbol because it has pretty much lost all it’s value.
Even when it had more value, marriage still attempted to form this unity or oneness by creating an obligation to both parties of the contract. Here is where the physical manifestation or symbol cannot truly represent the true aspects of the “spiritual.” For true unity or oneness to occur, it must be based solely on willingness, not contractual or legal obligations. This is the very premise behind the “spiritual” expression of choice.
It’s like with my own relationship with my heart. All that has happened on this journey, all the expansion and expression that has occured, is solely based on my unity and oneness with my heart, though I still refer to her as being another entity or being. Our relationship is based on complete trust, where I will not question her but submissively do as she asks because I trust her completely. This unity comes into being because of my own willingness to do this. I don’t have to do this. I do have a choice. Yet, I have chosen, in a sense, to become a willing sacrifice to the feminine, which my heart represents through being the aspect of the expression of the whole of everything for which I was to express through the physical.
Yes, all of this seems so complex. It is this way because this is all based on the reality of the heart, which is very different than the current, prevailing perspective reality in which we are currently living within here on Earth. And, in order to actually express this reality, I have to use elements from the current, prevailing perspective reality in which to compare it to or describe it. This using metaphor and analogy to explain what can’t be explained through purely “spiritual” or directly from the reality of the heart.
In general, because of this added component of the “spiritual” I am unable to fully find a sexually compatible “mate” simply because there isn’t an equivalent here in the current, prevailing, perspective reality. In the “spiritual” the feminine or submissive energy is not dominated by the masculine. They work in harmony with each other as equals. In balance with each, There is no greater or lesser in the relationship. Unlike here in this reality where everything is pretty much defined as greater or lesser from another. There is very little that is truly deemed as equal. Thus, because of this, humans are in a near constant state of conflict between each other. Inequality equals conflict because it creates division.
Thus, the entire reality is based on this conflict, even calling this conflict a good and healthy things simply because there isn’t any other way of living which can be seen in some way as harmony other than accepting that life here based on the current reality is conflict and should be accepted as such. This is simply based on the fact that the “spiritual” in most cases, has been negated from the lives of humans. Even from those who declare themselves as being “spiritual” through some religion formed and based on the current, prevailing perspective reality.
Basically, based on what is offered in this current reality, there is no sexual category for me to be placed in that meets the requirement of a reality of conflict. For me to fully express who I am, it has to be without the conflict of greater or lesser. Or, dominating the submissive which, as natural as it sounds to this reality, is not the natural state between the masculine and the feminine.
I can see that all of this is merely one minute aspect of this new layer that has been exposed for me to view and express. Therefore, my journey just expanded greatly. Again, where I once thought, “Where could this journey actually go from here,” well, as usual, it had revealed something so large that I will be spending some time sorting it all out before moving on. The funny things is that, from the initial perspective of viewing such expansion, it looks very complex and time consuming. Yet, in reality, it will probably all be sorted out for the most part in a matter of days and then off again the journey will go, with me hanging on for dear life and again I will probably say something like, “How much more can I take of this?” or “How much more is there for me to see?” only to be thrown into something else of which I had never seen before. Into the unknown and again, having to refocus on what is revealed within the unknown.