It’s funny to sit down at the computer with many things to say but not being able to find where to start. What is that intro sentence to get things started? Well, this time I decided to just start so I can get to the rest.
I feel so ahead of the times in many ways yet I just learned that I am behind the times in another way. There is no real “time” when things need to happen, just that they happen in the time that they are meant to happen.
Throughout this journey I’ve had many experiences yet there is one common experience that has happened regarding different things. Things that prevented further expansion of my heart so these things had to dealt with. They are the breaking down of barriers.
I’ve examined and then broke down any remaining barriers of prejudice toward people of color. I was never what one might call a “racist” but there were still things that I could call prejudice that prevented me from fully embracing these people. So, my heart revealed these things and helped me to understand them so I could allow these barriers to float away and so I am able to freely love these people as I loved other people.
This happened with so many things, even down to passing judgement of all people for simple things, watching these barriers float away so I could see the true beauty of others without the distractions of seeing a simple little “flaw” on them or in them that would make it so I could see their full beauty.
Now, it seems I have faced the mother of all of these barriers and, funny as it seems now, it was against myself which then caused me to be able to see other people in a far different way. Even though my heart has been peeling back the layers of this thing throughout this journey, gradually teaching me to express this thing within me. It was still a secret for the most part. In fact, it was something that, even though I was beginning to express it, and even talk about certain aspects of it, I couldn’t fully embrace it.
As this barrier of my feminine heart, which I’ve fully expressed in many ways yet, strangely, hadn’t fully embraced, it causes me to see all the people around me who are out there freely expressing themselves and yet, I still had a sense of prejudice against them. It is almost hypocritical of me but I couldn’t fully embrace who they are until I fully embraced who I am.
Again, it’s like peeling back layers of an onion and being guided by the master mental health therapist, my heart, who did everything in their time. She never pushed me into things that I couldn’t deal with at the time. Always preparing me for each thing then opening it up for me to see where it didn’t shock me and cause my heart to pull in or contract because of it.
Now I can understand why lately I’ve felt like I’ve been going through a battlefield, one where I didn’t think I could go on. Feeling so tired and worn down but my heart just pushed me on. She knew how important this is and she couldn’t tell me outright because it wasn’t time. I might have pulled back if she would have told me earlier. In fact, I literally told her I wouldn’t do it when she did bring one thing up. Yet, because I love her so much I did it. And, like everything my heart has me do, I am better for it.
It was interesting to go outside today, look up at the beautiful clearing sky as the is long and even painful winter storm seems to be going on it’s way to lay on top of other people for a while. It seems I will be able to enjoy the sun for longer periods of time today. Walking out feeling even more free than I felt before. The first thing I saw in my mind was some of the gay people I interact with and seeing the reason behind why they express who they are so openly. Thinking back to before this journey when I used to say, “Why do they have to bring it out. I have no problem with who they are but why can’t they just be who they are without having to express it so much to the society as a whole?”
Well, now I understand why. Just like with people of color, I still had some prejudice against them that just lifted in understanding that I had to reveal my own secrets to accept what, for them, had once been a secret that they now express openly to the world. Now I am able to see them in a far different way. This is what I’ve often said, or maybe I haven’t said it but I’ve thought it, it is acceptance not tolerance that is important.
I hear that word “tolerance” being tossed around in regard to those of “minorities” or those who are not fully integrated into the reality of society and this word has always troubled me. In this case, before I was tolerating people of color but then, when my heart helped me to break down these barriers, I accepted people of color with open arms and a huge hug from my heart.
Now it is the same with gay people. I can even look back to a lovely woman I once knew at another job who was in the middle of going through her surgeries to make her feel more like who she is, seeing her express herself so openly yet so shyly. Hearing the comments like, “Is that one of those tran people. I hear some of them like women. I can’t understand it.”
Even though I didn’t accept these comments, seeing them as mean and ignorant, still I wasn’t able to fully embrace and accept her. I look back and see that I was really trying but there was something that was getting in the way. Well, in all cases with barriers is was me but in this case, it was a barrier to my own expression. I wasn’t able to fully embrace who I truly am, even though I spoke openly about who I truly am.
This is a completely new aspect to my freedom that, in many ways, just opened up my perspective in ways that I could have never imagined. Again, taking down this barriers not only lifted barriers against these certain types of people but many more.
All the while, it was a barrier that I was still struggling with while others had already broken free of this barrier. For this reason, I feel I am behind the times. Yet, it had to happen at the right time and the right place for me to pass through and come to this place of full acceptance without being shocked by it, though I feel like I’ve been through a very intense battlefield to get here.
Really, the reason why it was possibly more difficult for me to accept is simply because I’m older and came up in a time where even tolerance for this behavior wasn’t offered. Also, I came up in a family who saw it as a curse or a disease, never allowing me to express it in the least in their presence. Causing me to see it as a disease and therefore fight against who I am, leading to a lifetime of battles within myself of which I nearly became a casualty on several occasions, yet made it through to see this beautiful day of true liberation.
It’s interesting the support system that my heart has given me throughout this entire journey all the way up to day and this beautiful day of liberation. To think that women like Regina Spektor, Marina and Kimbra were more than just artists of music I enjoyed and wrote words I could relate to, in a way, they were also part of my support system.
I can now understand the gathering of my influences. It had little to do with me taking my writing to a different place like I thought. They came back to support me through this also. Though I can’t find it again so it could have been a figment of my imagination. Something about John Steinbeck I read in one of his biographies always stood out to me, even though I read it 20 or so years ago when I was in a different, but same place. It said that he struggled admitting he was a writer because, in his social circles, being a writer was regarded as a feminine form of expression.
Then there is Jim Morrison who basically said to let out your freak, your weirdness and show the world. So he was definitely one of my support system. I’m not sure about Jack London in regards to this but he too struggled with something deep causing him, even after having success, to drink heavily and live a rather erratic life. In some ways, he was trying so hard to live up to the expectations of what it meant to be a man in his time, maybe there was something in him that he then would express and to this day will remain hidden. Maybe not to the extent that it is within me but, for that time, even the smallest aspect of the feminine, as with John Steinbeck, was unacceptable.
For whatever reason, Jack showed up at the gathering along with all the legions of “angels” that my heart has told me throughout all the most painful times of my life were there supporting me and loving me.
Little did I know back when this gathering started a month or so ago, that it was about what I just went through and not the many other reasons I gave to it back then.
It’s funny how many times during this journey, when I get to a point like this, I would say, “What next? Where does this journey go from here?”
This time it didn’t happen this way. I didn’t ask these questions. Instead I just turned to the horizon and like a good, submissive follower of my heart, I started walking along side of her to the next destination.