It’s interesting that the origin stimulation and energy of my passion comes from a place that, for most, would be seen as a dark place. A deeply disturbing place. For some, it is a place whose origins are in sin, corruption and degradation.
Well, if you’ve read my blog and the stories of my earlier adventures and travels, you know that I have lived a life of purity and virtue. In fact, I have seen things that most people try to ignore and try to believe don’t exist in the world, seeing it as a dark world where lost and sinful people live who are addicted to drugs and other things.
It is interesting that is this passion whose origins comes from such a “horrible” place, is the very energy that created some of my most beautiful love stories I’ve written that so many people enjoy, unaware of where the energy that helped create them. The very same energy that is behind the passion that brings forth what I write in this blog. The same energy that brings forth my connection to my higher self, my heart, my goddess into words and expressions.
Well, as with anything, if I were to say it directly, as I have with others in my past and it is the reason I always kept it a secret. Others who, as one of them did, simply made me feel dirty but then said that I should keep such things a secret. There were things that other artists did to bring forth their passion that even today no one knows.
And another who literally told me that she never wants to talk with me again after I told her only a small part of it.
Saying it directly leads to misunderstanding of it. Just like how someone could misunderstand the true reasons that I dress in women’s clothes when I’m at home and even when I’m out and about, only hidden beneath my more “acceptable” clothes.
Now that I’m a couple days out from all that has happened over the past few days, I can now more clearly see the path my heart was taking with me. It’s always so strange living life in the unknown. Where I enter things that my heart brings me into, where she gives no real explanation while I am entering these places. I simply walk into these places merely because I trust her completely.
It takes time for it all to become clear. Much like walking from a dark cave, into a tunnel where I can see the light at the end and, as I near the end, I can see more and more of what is within the light but not all of it. It is not until I actually walk out into the light of the place that I can begin to see all of what is around me. Even then it takes time to take it all in and how I see things there still adjust and expand.
It all began with the day in which I thought my heart was giving me a day off so as to enjoy the beauty around me. Only to find out the next day that it wasn’t a day off, it was merely preparations for the next day in which I would have a powerful experience while lying in bed. Seeing powerful images of my own self and how it relates to others.
All the while learning that what had happened to me the day before wasn’t just me enjoying the beauty but the beauty I was enjoying was feminine energy and that I was absorbing large amount so it in preparation for what was to come.
I can now say that this mass intake of feminine energy did affect me greatly in many ways. This, along with all the other things, led me to begin doing what my heart asked of me, making it all real through writing. Of which, as I’ve done so, step by step, going further and further with each writing, I came to find how real it made things within me. So real that it literally expanding my heart in ways I never thought possible. And to think, just a couple of days ago I said to my heart, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” only to have her really turn up the volume of that journey just after, even though I didn’t know what was actually happening. Seeing it only as I passed through each thing and even then, not understand each thing as I passed through it simply because I had to pass through the next experience in order to gain any understanding of the previous experience. And, even then, it wasn’t a whole understanding because I still needed further experiences in order to understand all the previous experiences.
Wow! I’ve said it before and I will say it again, this journey at times just blows my mind.
Okay, because I mentioned it, you are probably curious as to what this dark place is that is the origin force of my passion. I can understand. Well, I will first ask my heart for help in explaining it and then I will first offer and introduction to it so as to try to eliminate any misunderstandings of it, though it really doesn’t matter. If those of you who have followed my journey don’t already think bad of me by now then this probably won’t surprise you in the least.
As you’ve probably noticed in previous posts, I talk a lot about the power and strength of the passive and submissiveness. In fact, you might say that his power is the very fuel that ignites the energy of my passion.
Just as I’ve said before, for many, just the thought of my defining both passive and submissive as being strengths and power is probably very strange to many. It is the opposite of the current, prevailing reality based solely on the masculine.
The pure, unadulterated power and strength of the feminine comes from the passive and the submissive. She is not aggressive or dominating. She is not violent or wrathful. She does not hate and she is infinitely forgiving. Without her, humanity would have destroyed itself long ago. The only reason that humanity still exists is because the masculine might able to dominate, control, manipulate, repress and even imprison the feminine but it can’t destroy the feminine because, if it did, it would basically destroy everything. The entire universe and beyond. The masculine cannot exist without the feminine and the same goes the other way around.
This is why it is so sad that, here in our little neck of the woods in the universe, the masculine has decided to become the ruling and prevailing power of this little planet. While, in many other gardens within the universe, there is balance and harmony between them, thus creating fertile soil for the fruit of conscious awareness to be brought for from the physical experience.
When my heart flooded me with feminine energy, well, of course I felt great passiveness and submissiveness within me. In some ways, this is what caused me to feel uneasy, realizing that, though I have a feminine heart, I still had a certain dependence on the masculine within me to feel protected. Even though it isn’t necessary because, outside of this little reality that has been formed on this planet and injected into the conscious awareness of humanity, the masculine and the feminine are still working together in harmony. Our experience includes much more than what we experience on this time orb orbiting a mediocre star that gives it light and warmth so that physical life can exist here.
But, of course, most humans see it in a very different way.
Alright, I will now come back to my small contribution to that of the whole of everything and to what I have surprisingly struggled with for most of my life yet, without it I wouldn’t have been able to express anything. In fact, I would have lived a life less that just existing as it was before this journey. I would have been less than nothing.
Okay, with all of this introduction, if you misunderstand me when I directly say it then that is your problem.
I have used pornography which then brings forth powerful feelings of submissiveness and passiveness which then increases my connection to the feminine.
How? You might ask.
Because I would not view it from the male perspective. I would view it from the female perspective. Through my powerful imagination, I would empathize with the female role. Putting myself into the role of experiencing the brutal force of the masculine being thrust against and into them.
I would imagine myself on all fours or being completely subdued by the masculine and being pounded as the masculine it’s desire into the feminine. Through this, believe it or not, I was not only experiencing it on a personal level, I was also experiencing it on a grander level. Experiencing not only the female in the role but also what the feminine as a whole endures each and every moment by the masculine because of the state of things here on this little orb, orbiting a mediocre sun that is one of many billions within a galaxy that is one of many billions galaxies within the known physical universe each galaxy comprising of many billions of stars. Do you still thing that humans are the only life form in the universe? That humans are the center of attention and only concern of the heart of the whole of everything? Well, if so, then think again.
Anyway, it is through this powerful connection that the origins of the energy of my passion is derived.
Thinking of this, one might then understand why I might have felt that I was gay at one time in my life. Well, I’m certainly not gay and it took this journey for me to truly understand that I was doing all of my life which brought forth such passion from a supposedly dark place and allowed me to express things that others thought were beautiful, emotional, deeply moving and even thought provoking.
I can wholehearted say that have no sexual attraction toward men. In fact, I don’t enjoy many things about men in general.In a general sense, they are repulsive to me. Like I’ve said before, if I had my way, women would rule the world and, even more, they would be the only beings on this planet. Of course, we all know this can’t happen. That the feminine herself wouldn’t allow this to happen. If women became as the men are now, where the world is ruled by the masculine the force or energy of their rule would be the masculine, not the feminine and thus we would be in the same place we are now anyway.
I have no desire to be fucked by a man. I simply used energy of these images to increase my own feelings of submissiveness and passiveness, thus allowing me to more deeply connect with the feminine who, in turn, was the true energy source who ignited the powerful flame of my passion.
I used to experience such guilt and shame because of what I would do yet I would still do it. Of course, in doing this, which would increase the feminine energy within me, would also cause another problem within me which was that my feminine heart would awaken and thus further torment me. One might be able to see why I came so close to suicide so many times in my life.
Believe it or not, the primary force and energy of this passion is what has driven this journey in it’s whole and complete form.
Now, you can declare me as a pervert and a horrible person, negating all that you’ve seemed to enjoy of my expressions in this blog. Without all the intricate details and dissecting that my heart did that night, which isn’t really of all that great of significance at this moment, this was the very thing that caused me to say to my heart, “I won’t write this.” In which she basically replied, “Yes you will.”
And thus, I have done it. Having already experienced great reward and treasures from what I’ve already expressed through the process of getting to this point, I have assuredly expressed my willingness to comply with my heart and do as she asked and from this, I’m sure much more is to come for me.
As for you, I can understand if you stop reading me because of this. Well, no I can’t understand but I can at least understand the closed mindedness of the prevailing reality that would cause a person to be offended by such things.
And with that, I am signing off for now.