It’s always interesting how something can seem like one thing at one moment, then later you find out it is something else. In the past I used to call these experiences “reality trips.”
These things happen all the time as I’ve gone on this journey. It’s part of walking into the unknown each day. When I walk into something new, I might see it one way at first only later to find out it is something different. I don’t necessarily call these things “reality trips” mostly because they aren’t extreme in nature nor are they instantaneous. It’s simply seeing something new without having a definition for it, giving it a definition based on what I know at the time then having it define itself more clearly later.
In this case, I thought that yesterday was a day of rest for me to simply enjoy the beauty of life all around me. I love beauty and, when beauty is revealed to me like this, in such great abundance, I’m like a kid in a candy store, I eat it all up, as much as I can.
Last night, while sleeping, I woke wide awake. As I did, my mind filled with images and a narrative much like what runs through my mind while writing. The narrative was define the images. Images that were going deep within me, to the most vulnerable places within me. It was then dissecting them and showing me how they interact psychologically with things I think and do.
As I was seeing these images and listening to this narrative which I could have gotten up at the time and written word for word, I said to my heart, “I’m not writing these things.”
My heart smiled and replied, “Maybe not tonight and maybe not all at once but you will write these things.”
I mean, they were deeply vulnerable places but they are the very heart of my passion and basically, my very creative process.
As it went on I noticed it wasn’t simply to show me these things about myself but how these same things are within other people. It was dissecting it down to the very basic elements then connecting it with my observations of other people, seeing these same things within them.
Let me tell you, it was amazing to experience this. In the past, when I would wake up like this, usually with thoughts of worry and anxiety, I would be upset because I would be thinking of how I need sleep else I would be tired. Now, since I’ve experienced this many times during my journey, I just accept it and if I’m tired the next day then so be it.
The first time it went on for about an hour before I fell back to sleep only to wake up about an hour later thinking, “Did I go to sleep?” The reason for this confusion was because it started up right where it left off. The only reason I knew I went to sleep was because I looked at the clock and it had be about two hours since I first woke up.
Again, it went on for about another hour before I went back to sleep and woke up at my normal time. I woke feeling very tired and even nauseated. My first thought was, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
Throughout the experience I noticed one common thing. It felt like I was being flooded with feminine energy. To the point where I couldn’t feel the masculine within me anymore. It didn’t feel like it was taken away but simply washed under a massive rush of water, which was the feminine energy.
As I got up and continued to feel this way, along with a few negative thoughts about not being able to take it anymore, I went outside to see the low hanging clouds which have been hanging the for several days now, letting loose of intermittent snow here and there, sometimes heavy, other times light, along with being very cold.
As I looked into the clouds I thought, “This is a strange storm.” as I saw what could be described as spirits flowing within the clouds only they didn’t have an image. It was more like energy. A very thick, condensed energy. For me, it was feminine energy.
When I went back in and sat down, I realized what the beauty was that I experienced all day yesterday. It is something that I know I do regularly, just no in large amounts like I did then. It is something my heart introduced to me early in my journey.
I looked back at the day before and realized that every woman, no matter their age, shape or size, all glowed to me in a way. I would see a woman and my attention would be instantly drawn to her. It as then when I would seek to connect with her through a smile. When she would smile it was like I was absorbing the beauty she was giving me through her smile. I was absorbing feminine energy from these women, many of them throughout the day. A little from each one. This is what I was defining as beauty. It is not out of the ordinary for me because I do this all the time. Yesterday it was in seemingly mass quantities overall.
As I sat this morning, feeling this feminine energy flowing within me, overwhelming everything else within me, I did feel a little uneasy. I realized how much I am dependent on the masculine within me. Often using it for a feeling of protection.
My heart stepped in and said, “Just allow it to flow within you and fill your entire being. Don’t fight against it.”
So I allowed it to flow within me.
As I did this I said to my heart something I wrote many months ago when I felt this might be the case in some way. I said, “So, it’s true. I am a sacrifice to the feminine.”
My heart replied, “Yes, in a way. The fact that you are willing to lay down your life for her says it all. This is not what she desires of you. She desires your complete dedication, devotion and love, which you willingly give to her each day. In this sense, you are a willing sacrifice to the feminine.”
After a few minutes she continued, “Don’t expect any “rest” as you perceive it while you are in her service. You will always be filled with love and peace while in her service.”
As I thought about this a little later, it did seem like there were conditions to this love. Without my full dedication, devotion and love for her, I won’t receive this constant flow of love and peace within me.
This did make sense because, physical or “spiritual” you do have to do something to receive something. I couldn’t receive all the rewards and treasures I’ve received during this journey without having gone through the many processes of this journey. If I were to turn away from my heart, not necessarily against her, yes, I might be able to go on and live a quiet and peaceful life, even with love within me but the journey itself, the expansion might stop. I would again, simply be existing, just as I was before this journey, maybe just in a different state of being that before.
Then I thought, “What did I get myself into? I thought that it was me who was controlling the pace of this journey and, if I feel like I do today, why can’t I stop of slow the pace for a little while?”
As I thought about his further it all made sense to me in the fact that I am living my dreams. I am now living a fully committed and dedicated “spiritual” life. Complete dedication, devotion and love doesn’t mean only when I feel like. It encompasses my entire life.
I remembered what my heart has said to me many times, “The heart is not concerned with the survival of the body. Her sole focus is on the expansion of the heart.”
This basically means that no matter how I feel, whether tires, sick or anything else, the journey will continue. Expansion will continue.
Well, it was then that I thought about the weather. After long periods of no sun with only cold and very dark days compounded with snow, well, it does wear on me and make me feel tired and my body aches. It even makes me feel a little sick at times. I know that when I see the sun shining again that I will feel a lot better. Almost instantly better when I walk out into those beautiful rays and my eyes are filled with the beautiful light.
Well, I found it interesting to later experience this peace within me.
I went to work at my usual time. I was sort of on autopilot this morning. I didn’t write but pretty much spent the morning staring at music videos, sort of spaced out as I thought of all these things and talked with my heart. I didn’t feel like writing this morning and I also only did a very basic yoga routine.
When I got to work I noticed one thing, my name was no longer listed among the seasonal people but with the regular workers. I thought it might have just been a mistake but, if not, it would mean they are taking me on fully. This would be nice to know.
Then I noticed that I didn’t need to be there yet. Today was a very short day and I was there two hours early. I knew this but today I simply forgot, being on autopilot.
So I turned and went back to my locker, pulled out my things, put on my coats and walked back out. I thought about going to a restaurant, hanging out here for a while but then I thought that it would probably cost between $10 and $15 dollars just for a sandwich, fries and a drink with a tip included. This seemed counterproductive. So I walked back home.
As I walked back home I noticed how I had handled all of this, thinking of how I would have reacted in the past to the same situation. In the past, I would have been very upset with myself. Feeling anger all the way home. I would have possibly tried to get them to let me work just so I didn’t have to walk home. This wouldn’t work right now because hours are tight. This would have gotten me upset with them.
No, today, instead of all this, I calmly saw that I didn’t need to be there, got my things and left. I walked home, made myself a cup of coffee and ate the extra peanut butter sandwich I made for break that I wouldn’t need today. Then, after about an hour, I walked back and went to work as if nothing happened. Perfectly at peace.
All the while, enjoying the walk, which isn’t just across the street but is about a 20 minute walk one way, even though it was snowing and it was cold and basically, my body didn’t feel all that well. All of this didn’t affect me overall. I found this to be very beautiful and, in a sense, another dream come true. To be able to face most anything without getting upset at myself or others.
At work, I enjoyed another day of beauty, absorbing more feminine energy and noticing something that I was doing and that I was doing the same thing the day before. Each time I would smile to a woman and she would return the smile, I would take a deep breath, as if taking it in. Yesterday I did notice this but I thought it was simply my enjoyment of her beauty. It actually seemed symbolic of taking in their beauty, their feminine energy.
Well, overall, it seems I’m in this for the long haul. I am part of a club in a way. A club that means more to me than this physical life itself. One that I am completely dedicated to and each and every woman from whom I absorb their energy which, when my heart first introduced this to me a while ago, I thought I might be taking something from them which my heart later told me that I’m not. All of what I do is for them in a sense. I do give them something back with each smile. I give them my complete dedication, devotion and love because they are the embodiment of the feminine. Everything I hold highest in the life, even though the society still thinks they are not so high.
I often think of how many of these women don’t realize the true and great power of the feminine that resides within them. Just as most people don’t realize the true and great power that is within them through their conscious awareness. In a sense, it all relates to their not being able to see the great beauty that is within them, the beauty that I get to see and experience each and every day and so much want to tell them of this great beauty I see knowing that if I did they would think I was crazy. So I go on enjoying each and every one of them, their great and true beauty, knowing that they are not necessarily to blame for their state in life, but are victims of something that has been placed upon them.
This brought to mind something else that had come to me within all of this.
I’ve often said that humanity will be destroyed by their own hands. Well, in many ways this is true but the actuality of this lands in the hands of the powers that be. Those who have led humanity to this state of being. It is they who will actually set fire to this crop of humans. For them, out of frustration. For the universe,more of a sense of relief. The sooner they do it the sooner she can plant a new crop. It is fascinating how this came to me, along with images. It also reminded me of a lyric by Regina Spektor:
“The world that has made us can no longer contain us
And profits are silent then rotting away”
This is the frustration of the powers that be, who have made this world, this reality. Now, so many people are breaking free of it in many ways. Such as the blatant disregard for it’s laws, where many people no longer respect the police nor the laws. The police, though the media still likes to make people think they are still truly effective, really aren’t as effective as they once were. They can’t keep up with all of it and have to let things go they might not have let go in the past.
There are people breaking free spiritually and in other ways, simply living among them but are no longer one of them. No longer living with dedication for their ways but simply living among them yet in a different reality than they are, no longer valuing what they value, which is the basis of dedication and devotion to the reality that they have given them.
Basically, in various different ways, the reality imposed upon the people so as to keep order and control over the people is breaking down to a point where they can no longer be contained. So, they too know that it is over, and with this, they are now lighting the torches to burn the evidence of their wrongdoing while doing the universe’s bidding of clearing the way for a new crop to be planted. Everything is a cycle. There are many different cogs that rotate, all with different speeds and, in this case, motives but, in the end, it all comes together to perform the action of the whole.
In a sense, this is what I was seeing and hearing while trying to sleep last night, only in a different way. Seeing how all what is within me, all that seems to be something vulnerable and in need of protection, is actually the same workings within most every other person. A process that works in them from their most vulnerable places within them yet, in the end, we are all the same. All of the whole in our seemingly individual experience and motives for living.