Sometimes I can’t help but take some time to look at where my life is now compared to how it was before this journey. There are many things that I do today that surprise me simply because at one time in my life they were quite difficult and even stressful for me. Now, I seem to walk right through unaffected.
When I think of what I go through each day at work, the things I do without any thought now used to cause me great stress. They have placed me almost completely out working with customers. This is simply because I am unaffected by them. A person can get upset because things didn’t work out the way they expected and I just stand there and listen to them without any feeling whatsoever.
I might look at their red face wrinkled in rage and watch it become distorted while I simply stand my ground based on the company policies. Simply observing without any real judgement either way of how they are acting. The amount of help might be less simply because they aren’t willing to compromise. I offer something and they refuse. So I simply say, “Well, this is all I have to offer.” Then I move on to the next person.
Some days, especially on weekends and because it is Christmas shopping season, I finish with one person and there is another who has been following me around ready for my assistance. For the most part people are easy to work with. I would say about 98% of them. I research what they are looking for, see if it is in stock then go in back and get it for them.
The company gave me a work phone so I also take calls on the go while I’m doing other things. There are times when I’m finding something in back for one person while helping another person on the phone, researching their order. I do this all day long, while doing my other work in between. The only affect it has on me is that I lose track of time. Often not taking my breaks until much later than I should be doing. Many times I miss my last break entirely. It doesn’t bother me.
When I get off, all I feel is tired. It feels so good when I get home and can sit down. This is when I really notice it. It feels so good. In the end, I feel no stress whatsoever. Perfectly calm inside, though the body is worn out and tired. I turn on a Harry Potter movie and let it run in the background while doing other things.
I have to say, this simply amazes me in comparison to how I was before this journey. If I would have had to do this day after day in the past I would have come home complaining and waking each more anxiety ridden, not wanting to go back to work. Having to drag myself in and then feeling overwhelmed and fighting my way through the day.
If I had to deal with a difficult person, it could have affected me for days. Even losing sleep over it because I would dwell on it. Especially if I had many of them and, even more, if they attacked me personally in some way. I would feel terribly defensive on the inside. It would often affect my entire perspective of people. I might see someone who reminded me of one of this people and would feel anger and animosity toward them.
What truly amazes me is that now, if I deal with a difficult person, when I move on to the next person, I truly feel like nothing happened. I go on to the next person as if they were the first person I had dealt with that day. I love that I have a smile on my face and greet each person kindly and, what amazes me most, is that my greeting comes directly from my heart. I want nothing from them.
I don’t see them as money for the company. As if they have “dollar signs” on the head,” as I was taught in a training at my last job. I assist each person simply because they are asking it of me and I do all I can, even going out of my way, to get them what they want with little or no judgement of what they seem to think is so important to them. For me, it’s just an object that they want and I get it for them.
This is one of the most interesting things is that I really don’t care about them as customers. I care about them as human beings. I don’t care who they are expressing themselves to be here in this physical realm. I see them as hearts of the heart of the whole, blind to who they truly are within their hearts, yet I have no judgement of their blindness simply because I understand this blindness.
This led me to think a little about being judgemental. I had to wonder if I am being judgemental in some ways as I look at the world and see it as something I am not a part of. I no longer see it as strange, because it really isn’t strange to me. I understand what’s happening within it. I don’t see the people as if they are just animals or insects infesting the world, like I used to do. In fact, I really enjoy my perspective of them, which is very different than any I have ever had before.
When I thought of this, I could see two images or perspectives blending together within me. Like taking one image and superimposing it over another to form another, greater image. I see the people as both physical “animals” of the physical realm and also as “spiritual” beings. I see the beauty of the physical being as well as the beauty fo their “spiritual” being. One does not affect the other.
I know that just because a woman is beautiful physically, this doesn’t define her as being wholly beautiful in the same way throughout her. This is an impulse that I think many men have when it comes to women. Very instinctual. It is based on the physical instinct to procreate. Much like how the woman’s form, her curves, are like looking at a flower. The male sees this form and instinctually desires to pollinate the flower.
In some ways, though this is known to most people and often exploited and used by women for their own gain, in how she expresses her form to others, it often becomes a game that, if you were to outright and directly describe it, it would be offending to them. They try to maintain some sort of civility to the game. Keep it civil while still expressing this physical part of them. Such as expressing the breasts or in wearing tight pants that express the shape of the buttocks, which seems to be important because there are many people out there making money with exercise programs that enhance the buttocks as well as augmentation of the breasts and other parts of the body.
It is all so fascinating to be able to observe all of this as both a physical “animal” who is affected by it as well as a “spiritual” being, who is not of this world. For me, it is like being a complete being within this realm of experience. Both physical and “spiritual.”
Then, within this game, there are all sorts of other things going on. Often regarding how a person feels about themselves. Their need for attention and to fill a sense of lacking within them. Going sometimes to deep extremes of being used and even abused by others. Feeling such a disregard for themselves and feeling that this pain within them can be relieved, if only temporary, by allowing themselves to feel completely helpless and even submissive to a point of where they can be fully dominated and, in a sense, feel they are serving the desires of others through sacrificing their body to them while, at the same time, experiencing a sense of pleasure in doing do.
I believe it is innate to our “spiritual” beings to desire to serve others. Serving others gives us as sense of joining with others through the heart. Yet, where one is not aware of their hearts, this same “service” can be used to both inflict pain and pleasure upon the self.
In a sense, it is a “spiritual” instinct to serve others but when it is taken to extremes to where it is destructive both physically and “spiritually” the only result is a temporary feeling of completeness that afterward, only causes deeper separation both within themselves and with the world around them.
This might be an extreme but it can be seen in many other aspects of the lives of humans as they seek to fill this hole within them that can only be filled with the true and pure love of the heart, the whole. Which is often unattainable by many people simply because they don’t know it exists within them simply because of the blindness.
I can only speculate that this is a side effect of conscious awareness. That division of the whole of self through the experience of being both physical and “spiritual” beings, though blind to the understanding of this process, which is part of this experience.
The fact is, whether I described it well within this post or not, I myself have experienced all of these things. The deep and painful hole within me that I have sought to fill in so many ways, often with great desperation. Because of this, now, in my current state of being, I have no judgement of those who are still experiencing these things in their own lives and expressing it out into the physical world.
This is the fascinating part of the journey. The journey of life as a whole. Living as blind, separate beings, painfully divided within ourselves, often with such a chasm within us that it seems so deep and fathomless that we come to believe that it can never be filled. Grasping for anything that might fill it, even for a moment, simply to feel a moments relief from the pain. The divide. The separation. The separation from love.
So, I continue on in my journey, with such joy and passion within each day. Quietly living a life as I once could only dream of living. Not even dream because before this journey, I couldn’t even imagine it. I could only reach out for something I hoped existed yet it seemed like nothing but a dream without being able to relate it to anything. No way of comparing it to something else that I already knew. Yet, within it all, feeling a deep longing that somewhere out there, though it really was within, I might come to feel and experience life with a sense of completeness. Wholeness.