I find it interesting how some of the most complex things, once they are understood, can be summed up in just a few sentences.
For example, my journey. This journey that has gone on for about a year and a half, the overall realization of everything I have experienced during this journey is; We are all the same. The same in the heart. All the other complexities that we experience in this realm is because most people don’t know who they truly are within themselves. Their very hearts.
Then, as I have learned over the past week as my heart took me into the painful darkness of my life, only focusing on certain highlights, some of which I documented here in my blog. I can now sum up my life as nothing more than the life of a being who is not of this world, trying to be of this world, simply because he didn’t know anything else. He didn’t know who he truly was, even though it was expressing itself in every aspect of his life.
Overall, both of these simple summations answer the overall question that has plagued my entire life. “Why am I here?”
It was wonderful to wake up this morning, after having spent several days in the darkness that used to cause me such terrible pain, often lasting months and even years once it set it. A darkness that is the one thing that I truly came to fear in this life. To wake feeling like I do on the first truly warm day after a long winter. Feeling vibrant and alive.
Even my heart was celebrating with me throughout the day. “Without fear, you just walked through the darkness that has tormented you throughout your life to find that this darkness, the most prominent feature of your life, basically defining your life, was nothing more than a misunderstanding on your part. All caused by the same thing that currently plagues all of humanity. The blindness of not know who they truly are.”
The interesting thing about it is that this blindness is necessary. Just as with my life, even though it seems it all didn’t have to happen in the way it did, had to happen. It’s the only way I could come to understand it in the end.
Just as with this journey. I can now sum up everything simply but it took a year and a half to actually understand this summation. If a person were to have told me this summation before this journey, I wouldn’t have been able to understand it.
This is the interesting thing about the “spiritual” path. Most people, including me, wanted to know the summation before having the experience to understand the summation. It truly defines the expression that nothing of value comes easy. Yet, we want these things to come easy. It is why so many people don’t truly understand who they are. T
hey are not willing or able to go through the process of elimination, the breaking down of barriers and the walls that separate us from our true selves. The very separation and division between us that most people complain about each and every day as they look out into the world through the eyes of the media who present the world to us in, what could be seen as artificial terms, seeing the painful division between humanity while, the cause of the this division is not outside of us. It is the expression of the division within us.
It was so wonderful to go to work today and feel sharp as a tack again. Taking on all the tasks and working within the chaos unaffected. Then coming home to my new simply joy of being able to put on Harry Potter movies that I now own and watch them at my leisure, with the joy of no commercials.
It is wonderful that I no longer have any interest in the politics going on outside. I have no more curiosity of the impeachment. I really don’t care at all. I feel no animosity toward Trump, with the desire to see him taken out of office. Nor do I have any feeling for those seeking to keep him in office. It means nothing to me.
Today I noticed that, even though my mood changed over the past several days, the music I listen to, as well as the rituals and routines that my heart gave to me throughout the journey didn’t change in the least. In the past, when I would feel that darkness, other things would change in my life. I would lose interest in those things that provided, for lack of a better word, optimism in my life. With the dark mood I would also change over to darker music. I would give up on things like exercise routines and other things. I would simply let myself fade and fall into the darkness because the darkness would cause me to feel out of control.
There were times when I was recently experiencing this darkness where I felt the feeling of loss of control. I even documented it in my blog. Not being able to think clearly. Making mistakes. Yet, this time I was guided by my heart and I couldn’t help but truly be amazed by the one statement of hers that gets me through most anything. “Allow yourself to feel the feelings. Don’t try to change or fight against the feelings.”
Today I couldn’t help but think of how powerful this simple statement is. I never heard anything near to this when I saw mental health therapists or psychologists. As I seen throughout this journey, my heart has guided me through with very deep psychological concepts that I could have never known myself. They seemed to differ from many of the things I had been taught and learned from books.
By doing this simple thing, it allows me to simply feel them because the problem in the past with my feelings is that I always tried to change them because I wanted to feel good. And, when I couldn’t change them, I would fight against them, most often losing and making them worse because I would feel that I failed or was defeated by them, thus allowing them to take over. To occupy the whole of my self to the point where I would feel like I was imprisoned by them.
Yet, thinking more about this, the phrase wouldn’t work without two things. A basic understanding of what is being asked and, most of all, a complete trust in the one who is asking this of me. For me, I know I could have never given such complete trust to any person. So, if mental health therapist were to have said such a thing to me, without this trust, I would have never been able to fully let go and simply allow myself to feel the feelings without wanting to change or fight against them.
Another thing is that a mental health therapist is on the outside. They are not there constantly. My heart is with me constantly. If things start to go out of control within me, she was aware and could put me back on track again, as she has done hundreds if not thousands of times throughout this journey.
Again I will say it, just as I’ve said many times before on this journey. It is so amazing how what was so beautiful previously can become even more beautiful. How this journey, which has already blown my mind in many ways to where I couldn’t believe it could do so anymore, continues to do so as it progresses.
The amazement at how I might come to a point of conclusion each day with my blog post, the journey never comes to a point of conclusion. I will wake again tomorrow and there will be new things to explore and wonderful new realizations to experience.
There have been times on this journey were I truly felt it would at some point get boring or redundant. I have yet to come to that point. I can honestly say that I have never in my life continued something this long. Usually I will do it for a while then lose interest and do something else. Well, this journey is every changing and constantly bringing me to new things that I can never become bored or lose interest. It, like the psychology that my heart has used throughout this journey, is made solely for me. For who I am. For the being I am, both physically and “spiritually.”
It is for this reason that this journey and this blog has never become some sort of self help for others. It is possible that others might get something from it. I have no idea. I simply do as my heart has asked me and I write about the journey, which I have learned throughout the journey, is part of the journey. The writing itself, in some instances, brings it all to life. Like magic, it can make things happen that might not have happened had I not written them. Though, they were not written as direct intentions. When I might write of a fear or apprehension I might have with something within the journey, my heart resolves it within hours or in the next day.
Writing is a very important part of this journey. There is also something very important about making the writing available for others to read. The ultimate power of the writing comes through it being made available to others to read. Sure, I write many things that I don’t post but it is usually to understand and refine things that I am still trying to understand. Like those times when I attempt to write a post and it never coalesces. I might write a long writing each day, each one not coalescing until finally, a combination of all the things I wrote previously come together in much more simple terms as I myself come to understand them.
Again, this journey is perfect for me. Using what might be considered my talents along with the guidance of my heart, leading me through such amazing, wonderful and beautiful places that I could never achieve or see any other way.