It’s day one of living a life that I recently realized never really existed. Not to say that I didn’t have a life. It has been a very interesting life up to this point, though quite different from the lives of others around me. A life of deep contemplation and the pain of having something within me but not being able to understand it.
After a long period of what could be seen as rehabilitation through a journey offered to me by my heart and accepted without any idea of what it entailed, I have been given my certificate of completion and set free from that life of deep contemplation and pain with a near full understanding of that “something” within me that has plagued me my entire life.
Again, after I write things they become real. In a way it is like magic. After writing yesterday about those few things I do enjoy within the simple life, one of them being the Harry Potter movie series, I received a Black Friday sale notification on my phone.
I rarely buy anything on Black Friday. I never have the money to buy things just because they are there and they are on sale. Yet, I felt compelled to open the notification, just out of curiosity.
I scrolled once and saw something of interest to me. There is was, the complete Harry Potter series in Blu-ray for $27. As I looked at it a few things flashed within my mind. Those days when I had nothing better to do and there was nothing of interest to watch on TV and I would think, “I wish SYFY was playing Harry Potter.” They sometimes put them on demand but that is only once or twice a year. I really indulge during those times.
I also thought of the many times I had thought of buying the series. Sitting there looking at the price, usually around $80 for DVD and $100 for Blu-ray. Here it was looking at me for $27. I quickly glanced to see if I had enough money for this small splurge and off I went to buy it.
This brought to mind that I had never fully read the series. “Maybe I should.” I thought. I found that I had access to the first book, a teaser to get me to buy the other books once I finish it. I had started to read the first book several times but other things would capture my attention so I never finished. Well, I have nothing else of importance to capture my attention anymore so I downloaded the book and began reading it.
In most cases, I enjoy the books rather than the movies. The books have so much more detail and movies often destroy many of the best parts of the stories. In this case, I am glad for the movies. Maybe it’s a bit of laziness but the movies allow me to fill in much of the imagery. It’s like reading a fantasy novel. Though the author describes things the best they can, I still have to form some sort of image of things I have never seen.
It’s very different from novels by authors like John Steinbeck, who write about things in places that I have seen before or something similar. Without the Harry Potter movies, I wouldn’t really know how to imagine the cloaks and especially Hogwarts itself. Yet, with the books I get much more detail. Such as with Nearly Headless Nick, which is just a passing comment in the movie but is an interesting small part of the story in the book.
Well, this is all fine and dandy. Still, is this a life. Well, I finally inquired of my heart who has been quiet throughout this process of being released from the prison of pain and looking out at a life that she has told me to go and live without any idea of what “live” means.
“You don’t have to do anything.” my heart replied to my inquiry. “Just enjoy the peace and let your life form around you as you refocus that curious, adventurous mind on other things. Lighter things. A life will form around you as it explore these “new” things that you have disregarded in the past out of the need and desire for freedom from your pain.”
I couldn’t help but notice how existential everything has become. How my perspective has changed to that of simple existence. Not about the meaning or purpose of existence, that has all been answered, but simply existing within this physical realm in a different way than I have known before. It basically comes down to how I spend my time while here in this existence, which for my entire life has been spent in a much different way.
Well, I am glad to have my heart along with me. I know that humans, based on their nature, are not so merciful to such a dilemma. Most people have formed “lives” around them. It was the natural process of their lives. They didn’t need to look at life on a grander scale. The lighter life was all they needed though, at times, you can’t help but observe them looking up to the stars and secretly wondering about something else. Knowing that if they mentioned their curiosity to those within the lives that they have formed, it might be seen as strange behavior and they might be at risk of losing their status and respect within the lives they have formed.
I can’t use them as examples of what to do in this lighter life. I have tried this in the past and it never worked for me. To simply emulate them and force feeding myself with their likes and dislikes never gave me what I actually enjoy. I listen to the music they play and I don’t find it of much interest to me. I watch the things they watch on TV and at the movies and I don’t find it of much interest to me. It’s not that I see those things as bad or wrong. They just don’t capture my attention. Forcing myself to find something of interest in these things only takes me away from the path of allowing a life to form around me based on what it is that I enjoy and find interest within.
I like that none of this has anything to do with needing the approval of these other people. The need to feel some sort of acceptance within their world. It is all about allowing a world to form around me that melds to who I am and what I express. In a sense, it is much more about learning about what it is that I actually express. As with the many other things I hadn’t really looked at in life, what I actually express in life is one of those things.
It’s like stepping outside of myself and observing the art that I perform. The expressions that naturally come forth from my being. All coming forth from simply exploring life as a living being, rather than simply an observer and researcher seeking answers.
Again, we can return to the power of intention. Where, in this case, rather than pursuing or pressuring some desire to take form through thought, instead, allowing the desire or the objective of the desire to form itself. Like sculpting a statue, where the form is not of the artists desire but is within the stone, for the artist to simply release through their interaction with the stone.
It is fascinating how all of this happening all coincides with much of what my heart has taught me. To give her control. To trust her and allow her to be the artist and I the stone. Through her interaction with the stone thus appears the work of art.