Quiet Thoughts

There are times when I realize there is a tension throughout my body. A tightness that is within my muscles and even my mind. Yoga is part of my daily ritual but there are times when I needs something more. Or, maybe something less. It is times like this that I realize I’ve been spending too much time in the “ugliness” of humanity. It is time to get away for a little while and just rest.

It is very hot outside so a bike ride is out of the question. Only about a month before cooler temps will come back. I’m a Spring and Fall person. This year we had rather moderate temps so I can’t complain about these extremes.

I tried to watch a movie. It’s strange how movies just irritate me now. They don’t offer any relief, I just find myself analyzing them and the messages they are expressing.

There are sports that I enjoy. I enjoy watching tennis. Mostly because it is relaxing. No violence or over intensity. I’m a big fan of Wimbledon. I think it’s because of the grass. I also like the elegance it. I enjoyed it very much this year and some of my favorite players won the championship.

Still, today tennis doesn’t do much for me. So I put on some music. The music I enjoy. I find it interesting how, throughout my life, there are so many people who talk about what is good for you, that is stress relieving and calming. When I listen to those types of music it never brought me relief. Like new age music or classical music.

I used to think myself intelligent because I was listening to classical music. To be honest, I was forcing myself to do so, to fit the image that seemed to come along with it. We spend so much of our time trying to fit images. I’m so glad that this is one thing that has completely disappeared from my life. I now have a music that balances me and even embraces me, comforting me.

I’m sure that it is this music that is playing in one ear all day long while at work that keeps me calm and relaxed while working.

I can’t help but think about how there are so many people trying to tell us what we need to make us happy. The things to calm us and help us to deal with stress. I always found it funny that most suggested things never really worked for me. I would try to do these things exactly as they stated but found no results worth anything to me.

Because I’m sort of a perfectionist, not obsessive but I like to do things the proper way, I always tried to do things exactly as it was stated. It wasn’t until I came to experience yoga that I realized that the trick is in making these things my own. I think this came with a little help from the yoga instructor that I was watching at that time. She would keep saying, while doing variations, “Make it your own.” This was very freeing for me because, in the past, when I tried yoga I was just get frustrated. She does point out things to be careful of so we don’t get hurt. She would always point out that it is not the shape of the posture that we should be working for, it’s all about what makes us feel good. She would say, “Don’t try to be like the image in Yoga Journal. No offense to Yoga Journal.”

Many times we think that, to affect another person’s life or the world at large, we have to do something big. Something wonderful. If it can’t be wonderful then it isn’t worth doing. When I think of what this yoga instructor did for me from these simple instructions. In many ways, it changed my perspective on many things in my life.

It is often the most simple things we say and do that affect the lives of others the most. We don’t have to be the hero or the savior of others in order to touch them. I think when we realize how easy it is for the heart to touch others, usually in the most simplest of ways, it makes it easy for us to enjoy the true beauty of loving each other.

It seems that it is a society thing where we feel that things have to be great in order to be worthwhile. The US likes things big and loud. When, in fact, it is the soft, gentle, quiet things we do for others that touch them most. When these things are not perfect is when they are the most touching. Of course, it is all in how they are received. When our gifts of love have expectations upon them, well, the beauty is often lost.

Love really is about connection. We relate love more to sexual connection than anything else. This has always frustrated me in life. I’ve often tried to be loving and caring for women but there is always a tension in doing so. Like they think I want something from them, which is usually sex. It often made it so I couldn’t connect with women in the way I truly wanted to connect with them.

I think this is one thing I enjoy about getting older. This tension is somewhat relieved, allowing me to care and love women without all the tension. I have many wonderful relationships with women where they can be open and honest, knowing I’m not expressing my love and care for them with ulterior motives on my mind and between my legs.

I can honestly say that the feminine energy has been the most transformative energy to my life. It is such a powerful energy. A balancing and soothing energy. It is so amazing how women, when their guard is down and they are able to express themselves freely, knowing that I won’t judge them through male condescension, something many women have had to deal with most of their lives, causing them to become defensive, it is these times that my heart is so deeply touched. It is when I feel my heart expand greatly. Feeling the beauty of life that is often so hard to find within all the seeming “ugliness” that we have to deal with within each day.

I believe this is why I listen to music that is written and performed by women. Through the music, they can let their guard down and be themselves. Express themselves freely, touching my heart is so many deep ways. This is the true intercourse that I enjoy with women. Intercourse with their hearts.

It is the honest feeling and expression of women that inspires me. They often help me, even unknowingly, to experience the better version of myself through the expression of the better versions of themselves.

Of course, just like with choice, it is only when it is a connection through the honesty and sincerity of the heart. There are many women who simply can’t let their guard down and I’m not going to try to force them to do so. I have to be satisfied in knowing that, beneath all that pain that causes them to act out in such pained way, there is a beauty and strength that can touch and even change hearts.


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