Belief: The Same Thing, But Different

It is interesting how beliefs can have so many similarities yet also be so different. They seem to be seeking the same objective yet they also seem to be going in different directions.

Even when I was involved in Christianity, I really couldn’t stand modern Christian music. I would enjoy a good Gospel song sung by a choir and I also enjoyed some of the organ music playing music written my past composers. But the whole Christian rock type worship music, well, it never sat well with me.

Lately, on my YouTube music mix that I listen to while out and about, a song appeared that I really enjoyed. The sound blended nicely with the other music that I listen to so I didn’t think much of it other than that I enjoyed it. It sounded sort of like any love song.

I’ve heard this song many times but one day I listened to the lyrics and noticed that it was a Christian song. It didn’t bother me, I have nothing against Christianity, though I don’t believe that modern Christianity is a very good representation of the words of Jesus.

This morning, while sitting on the bus, this song came on. I listened to it deeply. Suddenly I felt the words so deeply that tears began to form in my eyes. Then it became even deeper and more meaningful for me. For me, this meaning had nothing to do with the “god” she mentions in the song. It was describing my relationship with my own heart.

It caused me to feel even deeper passion and love for my own heart. I couldn’t help but let myself become completely absorbed in the song as emotions flowed freely, feeling such deep love for my heart.

I also enjoy many other songs she writes and performs. I think she finally got modern Christian music right. Making it into something universal and more like love songs to, in my case, my heart. She is Lauren Daigle. The song that touches me so deeply is “You Say.”


Dark Feelings

It’s strange how a person can feel a sense of sorrow for something that is ending that really wasn’t all that enjoyable and, as I was going through it, was nearly counting the hours till it was over.

Maybe it’s because we become attached to most any routine that isn’t extremely painful. Maybe, in some cases, people do become attached even to abusive lives.

Well, today my training ended and, as I was walking out, there was a slight sense of grief that it was ending. A lot happened this week. I came to understand many new things about my heart and my heart gave me greater freedom and experiences, with more to come.

I think what caused it to become a little darker for me was that fact that I got something I wanted but didn’t realize how I would feel when I got it. If you’ve read the past posts about this small journey within my greater journey, there was a day when I stood up and gave a somewhat speech from my heart to the training class about how one can’t teach another person to care. You can’t teach another person to live from their heart. It’s a choice that only they can make.

Maybe a person can tell them about living through the heart but, because living through the heart is so different from societal living, they simply can’t understand. There are barriers to it that they would have to work through, just as my heart did for me through this journey it has taken me on for the past year.

Well, when I said these things in class, the instructor said that a later lesson would answer my question, “How can you teach a person to care?” I waited for it but also hinted towards it also. I really wanted to know. It would have helped me greatly.

Just before class ended we were discussing something similar to this issue and I brought it up again because she still hadn’t answered it. She sat down and said, “You can’t teach anyone to care.”

This is what I wanted but how I would react to it was very different than I expected. To actually hear someone else boldly say that the very key to the hopelessness for humanity made it even more real for me. I felt a dark cloud come over me. I was rather somber from that point forward.

The nice thing about my life through my heart now, is that I don’t panic if I feel dark feelings. In the past, dark feelings usually led to more dark feelings then completely depression so, whenever I would feel a dark feeling I would panic and try to rid myself of it, which usually led to a feeling of anxiety that would only make it worse. Ultimately, it would still lead to a depression, sometimes worse because it would be filled with anxiety also.

Now, I can actually just enjoy the dark feelings. They sort of hurt but I know they will pass. Tomorrow morning I will wake and it will be a new day. It’s happened before during my journey. I also experience these dark feelings as what gives things more depth and perspective. In some ways, they cause things to become more real and established with greater form. This what is happening to me today.

I’ve felt all the feelings that often come with dark feelings. Feeling of insecurity. At one point I caught myself thinking, “I feel so old.” These are things I don’t normally think but I allow myself to think about them and then let them go.

This is the beauty of my life now through my heart. I have a standard core of being. I know who I am and what I feel normally for me. Thus, I can see all other feelings as merely experiences and even passing illusions type thoughts. These dark thoughts also reveal things to me about myself. Where I am and that there are insecurities still lurking.

When I thought of this I received and interesting thought, “To feel insecure at times isn’t a bad thing, It is part of being balanced. Also, being humble. To feel I was perfect would result, much like a person with a lot of money, that they are better than others.

The natural balancing does things that affect both our spirits and through expanding our hearts, and also our minds through psychology. I realized this yesterday when I read the lesson about being a leader and guiding people through change and seeing a very similar process in the lesson that my heart had been taking me through over and over through this journey of great change.

There was a time today when I felt like, maybe, just maybe, others might see me as mentally ill because of how my heart has changed my life. Well, if someone were to judge me from the societal perspective, of which most psychology is based, well, they might see me as mentally ill. As for how I see it, based on my past dealing with mental illness, I’m more sane today than I have ever been in my life.

This thought about mental illness came from the dark thoughts but it was worth looking at so I did.

All in all, it has been a very eventful week. Tomorrow it is back to the job. I’m tired and can’t wait for my days off. Get through tomorrow and I can get some rest and also have time to look at all these experiences in more detail. All in all, as with all the experiences my heart gives me, it was all so beautiful.

A New Freedom

Today was a day that, from the very beginning, could be defined as a bad day. On a “spiritual” level, it could be seen as a day where I saw how the heart relates to the physical world.

I woke up very tired. Yesterday was a 12 hour day out in the world. The nice thing about this week is all the overtime I will be receiving. Still, it is very exhausting, especially having to sit in classrooms all day. I am used to moving fast all day. I don’t get anywhere near as tired doing physical labor all day as I do sitting down all day.

Even though I was tired, I still got through all my morning routines and left home smoothly.

I arrived at the first bus stop at the same time I have all week. I was listening to music while enjoying the sunrise, just as I had each morning all week. After about 5 minutes I realized that the bus hadn’t come. I couldn’t see it down the road. I looked at the time and I should have already been at the train station by this time.

Pulling up the transit app I saw that the bus wasn’t anywhere on the map and the next bus expected at that stop would be in about 30 minutes. Well, this would mean that I would be about an hour late.

Being who I am, I had a backup plan. This plan would require me to walk about 3 quarters of a mile. I looked at when the next bus would be at that stop. It said 12 minutes. I didn’t expect I could make it in that time but I knew another bus would come and by taking this backup plan, I would still be late, but only 30 minutes.

Either way, it wasn’t going to be a good start to the day because the company is paying for this training and all the travel. I started walking for the best of the two evils.

I arrived at the other stop and, as I turned around, the bus arrived it was the earlier bus. Somehow I just walked the 3 quarters of a mile in less than 12 minutes or, it was late. It didn’t matter, I boarded.

Even so, I was still going to have to wait 30 minutes for the next bus that would take me to my destination so I figured it wasn’t all that great. I’d just be sitting on a bench that much longer.

Arriving at the train station where I would meet the next bus, I looked at the time. It hit me that my regular bus that would get me there on time, which as at another train station, wouldn’t be leaving for another 18 minutes. If only I could get there.

Just then, another train, one I had never used, was pulling up. I looked at the track it was on and thought, “This train has to go past the station I need. Unless there is some place for it turn off on the way.” I didn’t know. I didn’t have time to research it.

At that moment, I heard inside of me, “Go. Get on that train.” I started running as it was pulling up. While running I was stumbling to pull out my bus card and was holding my phone, not having time to put it in my pocket.

I scanned my card as the last person was boarding the train. As I started running for the door, I dropped my phone. I skidded to a stop, bending over to pick it up. Just as I picked it up, I dropped it again. Finally, I got it under control and looked to see the door closing.

Well, if I missed the train then I would simply be in the same situation I was previously. If the train didn’t actually go to the stop I needed, then I would be extremely late as I would have to figure out where to go from there.

I was already committed to this attempt, so I ran for the door. It was about 3 inches from sealing when I hit the button and it opened. I got on and found a seat as the train started moving.

About 10 minutes later I was sitting on the bus that I would have normally been sitting on at that time had the first bus actually arrived.

I sat there thinking of how calm I had been through this entire experience. Just taking it step by step. Taking some risks, though they were inspired by my heart. And, here I was sitting as if it never happened. Just memories of an obstacle course I had just experienced.

Then I thought of how I would have reacted to this over a year ago, before this journey of self awareness began. I would have panicked from the moment I noticed the first bus wasn’t arriving. From there, I would have probably made desperate decisions, even to the point of just giving up and going home. Not wanting to deal with it. My heart would have been pounding with anxiety. Negative thoughts filled my mind, such as losing my job or all the trouble I might be in for missing the day or being terribly late. It could even lead to me quitting the job entirely because of all the anxiety that would have filled my mind and the dread of having to face it.

Yet today, there I was, sitting calmly on the bus, having simply allowed my heart to guide me to where I needed to be.

Like I’ve said in the past, I don’t believe in “spiritual” tests. But I couldn’t help but see this whole thing as a test. Then it came to me. It wasn’t test. It was merely a trust building exercise. The only test, if it were a test, is if I would have trusted my heart or not.

After everything I’ve been through with my heart in the past year, of course I would trust my heart. But it is experiences like this that increases that trust. What I enjoyed most was how calmly I went about it to where, what could have been the beginning of a very bad day, that would have lasted all day and instead ended up being nothing more than an inconvenience.

One of the classes today was on leadership and helping others with change. As I read the lesson on the computer while the instructor spoke, I was amazed by what I saw. Here was listed out the process of dealing with change. Something my heart had taken me through many times during my journey. More times than I could recall. Perspective shift after perspective shift, as my heart changed me from where I once was to where I am today. I was blown away by seeing this all listed out. It is very much a psychological process that is well known.

I have little psychological background so I know without a doubt that this process was not done by me or through my knowledge and understanding. It truly confirmed what I already knew, that I was truly being guided by my heart through this journey.

As she talked about how different people deal with change and the conflicts that we can expect. It caused me to think back again to me before this journey. Many of the things she pointed out was exactly how I would have reacted to change then.

Now, on the other hand, having gone through many, many changes over the past year as my heart guided me through this journey, ridding me of things unnecessary to life. Breaking down barriers I had with other people. Changing my perspective in many ways and ultimately my entire reality, Change is nothing to me now.

I couldn’t help but reflect on all the changes I had already gone through at work. How so others complained and fought against the changes. Still, the changes happened whether they liked it or not. All the while I just changed with the changes. My view on it was, “It’s their company. They can do what they want. If I don’t like it then I can just leave. If I want to stay then I simply change with them.”

Just like with the diversity class from yesterday, again I could see how my heart has changed me to a point where I am nearly the opposite of who I was just over a year ago.

Then I thought about how they want us to guide others through change, using this process. A process that I know worked within me. Then I thought about all the different kinds of people and how they react to change. Then I thought about the key to all of this, something I pointed out a couple of days ago to the class through my long monologue. You can’t change the heart of a person unless they themselves are willing to change.

They first have to care. Most of the people I work with don’t care much. Most of so negative and complaining all the time, expecting the company to do as they want instead of the other way around. Because the company doesn’t do as they want they hate the company, saying that it is all screwed up, and they continue doing whatever they want.

In a sense, they are the mirror of the society at large and the local representatives of the hopelessness for humanity. Again, it all returns to choice, and the willingness to change. To surrender to life and giving yourself to life, allowing life to guide us through our hearts rather than living for the images that we have created in our imaginations of a physical world that suits our desires rather than simply being grateful to the physical world for giving us what we need through our labor.

This has truly been an interesting week. A short journey within my grand journey which ends tomorrow. I am grateful it is ending and I can get back to my normal routines with greater knowledge and even greater understandings that came from this short journey. A training that I was told by others in the company that was a complete waste of time. For me, my heart made it into a grand learning experience that gave me much more than was even offered in the training itself.

It gave me one other thing. It was my first journey out into the greater world. A journey that, before it started, I was a little afraid of, not knowing how this me, the one who has lived under great protection of my heart for so long, would react to it and how it would react to me.

It gave me even greater freedom and even greater trust in my heart. Now I can freely go out into the greater world with no anxiety or fear, unlike how I was before this journey began over a year ago. I can do things that I never would have thought possible then. In a sense, I can now live life from my heart and know that my heart will guide me through most anything.

What I once considered as being a great state of freedom that my heart had given me before this short journey this week, has now expanded into even greater freedom. The freedom to not only live at peace within myself but also with the greater world around me.

Experiences of the Heart

Well, what to write today? I will admit, I’m writing now simply because it is my routine and my heart has asked me to stay to my routine. In a sense, I’ve already written today because I wrote a post before work. Still, today was as amazing as the last couple of days though the experiences were more mild, which I enjoyed.

Today I had the same experiences as I had yesterday though they were more mild. I could enjoy the feelings more rather than be overwhelmed by them. I found myself standing on the train, closing my eyes and simply feeling all the energy from the people around me. In a sense, today I was able to experience it all more in a collective way, but still in an individual way.

I was sort of wondering how the people in the training class would respond to my monologue yesterday. Would they just forget it or would it change things. The interesting thing was that I felt closer to them. Things have changed since my experience with them on Monday, where there was a lot of conflict. We have bonded more as a team or group. Inclusive within our differences.

I don’t think this had much to do with my monologue yesterday, though it might have contributed to it some in relation to me. They now know me a little more as I truly am, which can allow people to be closer. Or it can cause greater conflict. In this case, I felt closer to them.

I no longer see them as selfish, white people who always had to be right on Monday. In a way, we are all there together for the first time on Monday and I’m sure we all had our defenses up. I know I did, learning this especially yesterday when my heart was open wide.

Today I did another thing that a year ago, before this journey began, I would have never been able to do. As part of the training, we had to make a video of some of the processes in action. We had to be creative in our presentation. Well, we just put one together with some props we found on the way. It worked out wonderfully.

The part that surprised me was that I was willing to be one of the characters in the video and was perfectly comfortable doing it. I was as comfortable in front of the camera I am regularly. I was able to give some personality in it which, we are all watched it, caused the class to laugh. I enjoyed this.

In the past I would have been terrified of doing something like this. I wouldn’t have liked it when people laughed at me, even though I was sort of trying to be funny. All of this would have overloaded me and I would have become very sensitive. Not today. I enjoyed it very much and it went so smoothly. We all worked in harmony in creating it.

It was interesting to see the other video where the people in it were self conscious, nervous and it really didn’t turn out very well. It wasn’t about judging the quality of the video but the content of the process. Still, I saw in them who I was over a year ago.

Again, my heart is showing me a whole new world that I get to live within. Living within the reality of the heart. I never thought in my wildest dreams that this would be where my heart was taking me a year ago.

We also had a class on diversity. Here was so surprised at how much my heart has guided me and caused me to grow. If you followed my journey they you’ve seen how my heart has opened me up and broken so many barriers I had with biases and even some prejudice.

As part of this class, the instructor asked us what our first impression was of her. When she asked me, I thought hard of my first thoughts when I entered the classroom on the first day. I really didn’t even think about her in such a way. I saw her. I looked for a place to sit down and I talked with her. I realized that I didn’t have a first impression of her. Any impression I have of her formed over time. I found this interesting. Her look at me was interesting when I replied to her question, “I don’t think that way.”

As we went deeper into the differences that people often have biases for, I realized that I could relate to most of the feelings that were expressed. She asked what we thought about the video that went over these various biases and I said, “I can relate from my own experience to most of them.”

As I listened to the others in the class talk about times when they’ve experienced bias from others, I thought of how little bias I have within me now. I could remember biases I had before but now I can see a transexual and not even think about it. I can see a black person and experience them as I would anyone else. I get along great with Hispanics, which wasn’t the case as much before this journey began.

To be honest, I was blown away at some of the things the others brought up. It was hard to believe that they had experienced these things in 2019. Like one woman who worked as a fry cook. She was the only woman working there. One day she asked some of the men what they were making. She found that they were making $5 an hour more than she was. She asked the manager why. He said that it was because she was a woman and she couldn’t do as much as the men.

When I heard this story it broke my heart to know that this sort of prejudice against women is still out there. She said she worked just as hard and as long each day as the men. Working many days from 10am to 2am. That’s a long day that I know I couldn’t do.

I heard biases against both men and women after they had a child. All the class members are white so I didn’t hear anything about race or color. I realized that I had experienced more day to day biases from others but not so much in the workplace. I’ve always excelled and grown easily most everywhere I’ve worked. Treated well by most managers, but I work best for women managers.

It was an interesting and a very exhausting day, both mentally and emotionally. This class on diversity was the last class of the day and, as I left to go home. I found that I was terribly drained emotionally. It really affected me. F

All in all, I was really happy with this day. From the morning where, on an individual level, I enjoyed people through my heart in a milder way than yesterday, being able to enjoy the beauty of their hearts in a way that simply caused me to have a perma-smile for much of the morning. It was so wonderful to experience this and then, I would stand and just close my eyes and feel all the energy coming from the people and it felt so wonderful. It really caused me to see that humans are not innately evil or mean per say. That, within them all is a beautiful heart expressing beautiful energy.

Well, my heart might have been selective in whose hearts I felt. It is the true controller of all of this. I’m sure it doesn’t have any reason to expose me to a person who is truly “evil” inside. At least, not right now. I wouldn’t put it passed my heart that one day it will cause me to experience this also. It seems to want to cause me to experience many things, even things that I would never dream of experiencing. In fact, these are most of the experiences that my heart offers to me.

The Battle For The Heart

As I wake up today, I can’t help but think about what happened to me yesterday. I think about the things I wrote about and posted. That even I feel like it was completely unreal, yet it was very real. I myself can’t deny it. I was there. It happened. I almost feel dizzy this morning from the experiences yesterday.

As I put aside those feelings and look at the experiences, I can’t help but see how both the masculine and the feminine energies were very alive within me yesterday. Both working together within me, in harmony. They each expressed themselves when it was necessary for them to become more dominant than the other. Yet, they worked together, supporting each other. I believe it is why I never felt insecure or questioning any of the actions that occurred.

Looking even deeper at the experienced, I can’t help but see that these experiences were nothing more than what I’ve experienced and written about throughout this journey. They were powerful before but not as powerful as what I experienced yesterday. I think this is because what I experienced before were both, under a controlled environment and also they were to show me the progressively the true potential of the heart.

It also revealed to me that the heart, even though it has shown me that the state of humanity is hopeless, it doesn’t stop interacting with life. As if it has given up and walks away from humanity. It revealed to me that is limited. Limited by one thing. The power of choice. It can affect the hearts of others but it can’t change the hearts of others. Only they can change their hearts through their choice.

When the heart finds a person in despair in life, it can offer a sense of relief, though temporary. Yet, this temporary relief can remind people of their hearts. Of who they truly are beyond their feelings of differences and even oppression in this life. This reminder can affect their choices over time. It takes this happening to them many times, just as it happened to me while I was going through the darkest times of my life. For some reason, at those points where I had completely given up, a voice came and gave me enough strength through love to allow me to carry on into the next day.

I can recall many of these experiences where I would hear a voice say, “You are so loved. So many are here behind you, loving you. You are very beautiful.” I believe that it wasn’t until I was in these places of deepest darkness where my heart opened enough to be able to receive these messages.

Thinking further about this, I realized that we may very well already be in the midst of the battle, the war, that had been prophesied in many of the ancient texts. The reason this thought comes up is because of the immense pressure I feel as the heart works through me. And, in how it is described within me as more of a battle between the masculine and the feminine energies. This great “Armageddon” is more a psychic war than a physical war though, in time, might reveal itself as a physical war. The physical “Armageddon.”

I have described in my posts, how the powerful, white, masculine dominated energy is seeking dominion over the physical world. It has been doing in this throughout our known history. A history that actually begins after the great flood. In many ways, those interpretations of what happened before the flood are the most different than those after the flood. They are still different between cultures and areas of the world where the ancient texts were written and experienced. Some depict life before the flood as when the world was given to the masculine energy to dominate the world. Others see a more harmonious time. It seems the latter became the most prominent energy of the world after the flood.

In some ways, the ancient texts became corrupted at the time when these were written. I can’t help but see that, what became the direction of “light’ actually became the direction of darkness. Just as how the message of Jesus, which is rooted in the earlier stories, was also corrupted. Once a message of light, it became a message of darkness used to exploit and use humanity rather than free humanity.

Now, in this time, I can see how the feminine energy is not revealing itself as an actual force. As I’ve learned from it, it is not out to destroy the masculine, as the masculine seeks to destroy the feminine. The feminine merely seeks to bring the masculine back into harmony. I can say from both experience and study, love doesn’t not originate from the masculine alone. Love can only exist when the masculine and the feminine are working together, supporting each other. They are a relationship whose offspring is love.

I don’t see much love in this world right now. It appears like rare gems amid all the other things happening. Such as when a manager is touched by the experiences of one of their employees where they set aside the ambitions of the company and take that time to help that person.

It happens at times. When this happens we see both the masculine and the feminine working together. Both the compassion and caring of the feminine and the action of the masculine resulting in bringing about a loving action to the employee.

The reason that people seek to take advantage of these experiences and even exploit them is because they are so rare. So many people in this world are aching for love. They will get it anyway they can. They do some of the strangest things just to feel love in some way. It’s all because we are ruled by the masculine who can’t express love, yet the feminine still exists.

I always find it interesting how they call people who care as “bleeding hearts.” As if it is something bad. In most occasions it is okay for a woman to act more like a man than it is for a man to act more like a woman.

I’ve also noticed that the possible reason behind some women acting more like men is not so much that they feel more like men, though they might cause themselves to feel it. It is because they don’t like being the objects of desire for men. If they look more like men then they aren’t constantly being stared at and pursued my men. I say this about some women in this situation, not all women.

I saw a woman on the bus yesterday. She had on big black boots, military type pants, a flannel shirt and a camouflage cap. Yet, under the cap her hair, though short, was styled nicely, with earrings in her ears and she had beautiful, rather feminine skin. What I saw was a woman simply dressing like a man, not being a man.

Now, I have experienced women who are very much like men. Like, not so much the masculine energy but the masculine physical trait is more dominant in them. So they express this trait.

In some ways, I can see becoming a lesbian as being more a result of wanting to get away from the masculine, both in the physical and in the energy. They can then experience a more harmonious experience of being in a relationship with both the masculine and feminine energies rather than being dominated by the masculine energy. Seen as nothing more than an object of control and desire of the masculine.

As I observe myself out in the greater world, the traits of my heart are more pronounced, just as the forces within me are more pronounced and powerful out in the greater world. I can see both masculine and feminine features in how I interact with others and it how I present myself through my physical image. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I see myself sitting in what could be viewed as a more feminine way when other men are around. When I realize it I instantly think, “Change postions or they will think I’m gay.” Or, when I’m talking in a more animate or expressive way, I find myself thinking, “Be more controlled. More refined. Don’t express yourself so freely.”

I heard this even in the teacher, who in a personal conversation, says she will often teach with her hands in her pockets so as to not be so expressive or, as she expressed it, not show her “nervous” energy. Expression in such a way has been taught to us as being nervous or unprofessional. The expression of emotion is seen as unprofessional. The entire image of being “professional” is based upon the cold, masculine energy. Something that causes women to have to repress who they truly are in order to act within a world dominated by the masculine energy.

Just from these simple experiences, I can see the war for our hearts, our souls, being fought right now as the feminine energy comes to reveal itself as a “threat” to the masculine rule of the world. It’s dominion of the world.

This in itself reveals the “evil” in the world as simply the world being out of balance. Out of harmony with itself. The masculine energy will not give up without a fight. A fight that we will continue to feel within us, especially in people like me where the heart is beginning to express iself more fully as it really is, both masculine and feminine. I feel a constant pressure. A pressure that has gotten worse since I entered the greater world. Yet, I feel the powerful shield of the feminine and masculine around me, protecting me as I go out into the battlefield. Not as a warrior seeking to conquer or dominate the world, as has become the definition of “warrior.” It is as a true warrior, expressing love through a harmonious joining of both the masculine and feminine energies within me. A warrior who, though I’m still struggling with it at times because it is new to me, is beginning to express myself as who I truly am to the world.

When I feel discomfort or fear in expressing how I am, whether in how I might be sitting or acting, my heart simply says, “Don’t stop expressing your true self. There is nothing to be afraid of. They might mock you but that means nothing. They are merely mocking and judging themselves.”

When I hear this I remember the experiences of judgement and worry that my heart took me through just before it brought me out into the greater world. I can’t help but realize that all of our concerns about how others might view us are so worthless. They only show how we are controlled by the masculine energy. How it has affected us in so many ways in our lives. Causing us to be afraid of anything other than how it wants us to be. Any differences within us or physically expressed are open to condemnation and mockery so as to further repress the heart and, if they could, destroy the heart. Destroy the feminine energy. Destroy any thing that leads to balance and harmony within the world.

This is the sole purpose of the “evil” in the world. Something that first began when humans were told to go out and have dominion over the world and all it’s beings. This, in my opinion, was the creation of the “evil” that is now ripe to be plucked from the soil and cast into the fire. Thus, the battle for our hearts, our souls, is now at it’s climax, though most believe this war still doesn’t exist because it isn’t a physical war where Jesus is riding some horse or chariot down from heaven with trumpets blasting, out to save those who have been dedicated to the masculine influenced belief system and save them from this madness of battle between the masculine and the feminine energies. To a world, a reality, where only the masculine rules.

The irony to this is that the masculine cannot exist without the feminine. Without the feminine the masculine would simply become nothing, fading away into, what they describe in their own texts, as outer darkness, meaninglessness, hopelessness, and despair.

Wait a minute, aren’t these things that many people are experiencing right now. So, it seems their heaven is already on earth, yet it can’t exist without the feminine. And the feminine is out to balance and bring back into harmony the masculine, disrupting their goals of a masculine dominated heaven. Thus, the battle we are now experiencing.

The Heart’s Passion

Today was an interesting day. I experienced my heart in an entirely different way.

It wasn’t altogether different. If you’ve followed my journey, I’ve written many times of how my heart has connected to the hearts of others. The difference from these experiences is that the past experiences were in a somewhat controlled environment. In the safety of my home. Today, I experienced my heart out in the greater world and it was a very powerful experience.

I started my day out as usual. I was happy that I felt better today than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was a bit on edge because it was my first time out into the greater world living within this new reality. The reality of my heart.

Today, I felt good in general. I didn’t feel any form of anxiety or anything about going out into the greater world. I went to the bus stop while listening to music, enjoying the fact that I could feel my heart was very much open. Where yesterday, it was somewhat closed in a defensive mode against the unknown. They music was so beautiful and I could feel it deeply.

I enjoyed the sunrise, looking up at the light, thin, pinkish red clouds above the mountain peaks. I felt as if I was absorbing the beauty or, in another way, being absorbed by the beauty.

The bus came and I sat down as I did the day before. Even in the same seat. As I settled I looked around at the other people. As I looked at each face I felt a powerful feeling of connection. I could see into their lives within that moment. Feel them within that moment. I really didn’t expect this. Just as I did with the ducks when I first saw them in a new way, I turned away and then back again just to make sure it was real. As I looked, the powerful feeling and images continued.

It was so powerful that it brought tears to my eyes. Seeing the deep beauty within these people. I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before. Those people whose faces might not be all that perfect, People who have maybe had a harder time in life than others, their hearts were even more beautiful. In them I could experience their frustration that they often felt at being sort of put aside from others. Even isolated by something beyond their control. Yet, behind this frustration I experienced such beauty, Even greater beauty than I might experience from someone who has all the physical looks but their heart might be lacking.

A young man, dressed in a nice gray suit got on the bus. He had long, full, wavy dark brown hair. He had well trimmed facial hair on his chin and mustache. He looked very much like a young Johnny Depp.

He sat down across from me, being that I was sitting in the side facing seats. He pulled out his phone is a confident, stylish way, looking at it as if to find out if someone had texted him or something. I looked up to his face and experienced both a confidence and great insecurity within him. He thrived on attention and had built is image so as to be able to gain attention. He seemed someone disappointed that he didn’t have a text messages, being that they seemed to validate that people liked him. He then set the phone down on his leg and looked ahead out the window, seeming to blow off not having anything to read on his phone and just be patient.

I looked at every person on the bus and experienced this powerful experience with each of them. So much so that I felt like I was in a constant state of tears welling in my eyes.

This continued on the train and when I got off the train. At one time on the train, where there were far more people and it became overwhelming. I found myself looking at the floor so as to not look at anyone. I then looked up to an older, rather plain woman sitting quietly looking out the window. Again, there were sudden images and feelings into her life.

When I got off the bus, I found myself looking around but only briefly other people. I was still in a constant state of tears welling up in my eyes, my nose sniffling. I got on the bus that would finally take me on the long ride to my destination and there I sat for about 20 minutes until the bus was to leave. The time passed very quickly.

I looked out the window at the people standing on the train platform. I felt a little more safe into the bus so I let myself be absorbed into the feelings I feelings and images. I felt as if I was truly being absorbed into the reality of the heart. I just let myself go and then I felt a little apprehensive thinking, “I still have to go and sit in a classroom with others. How will I do it in this state of mind?”

My heart replied, “Don’t worry. I’ve got your back.”

I found this woman, maybe around 30, standing alone on the platform. I could see that she felt very insecure, unable to look others in the face, looking down as others passed. She looked very nervous. I also noticed that, though she was very pretty, she had some sort of difference in the shape of her lips. I could tell she was insecure about it because she kept touching her with her fingers. It was sort of like what happens when some people have a stroke. They were sort of slanted.

I looked deeply at her and suddenly I found myself connecting with her deeply. Then, out of nowhere, I started saying in my mind, “You are so loved. You are so beautiful.” Things like this kept passing through my mind.

I saw her begin to settle down and not be so fidgety. I also saw her eyes and forehead sort of scrunch like there was some sort of thought in her mind that she didn’t understand. She then lifted her blonde hair with her hand and stroked it, passing her fingers through her hair. The thoughts in my mind continued. She was no longer looking away from people.

If the feelings were actually being shared with her, well, I don’t know. I could have imagined it all. Yet, I also saw where she seemed to be fighting the thoughts. Not believing them and she became a little more fidgety again. At this point my heart said to me, “You can share the love with people and even give them a moment of relief but you can’t change their hearts. Only they can change their own hearts. They have to be willing to accept the love of their own hearts.”

This caught me off guard. I was then reminded of the many times in my life when I was struggling with my own insecurities and severe anxiety in life. I’ve written about these times in previous posts. Where I would be lying in bed, completely frozen by anxiety, not wanting to get up and face the day, the light, and a voice would often come into my mind and tell me that I will be okay. Just hang in there. It will pass.

I then thought that this voice could have very well been the heart of someone who cares about me. At that time it might have been my sister’s heart. Even though she may not have known it was happening herself. She was deeply concerned about be because she knew I wanted to die.

Again, I can’t say for sure but are well all the angels we believe that come to us and give us warmth in our times of desperation? They can’t change our hearts but they can give us some feeling within us that keeps us going another day. Today I was able to participate and know that it was happening, but even those who don’t even know that they have this heart within them that is connected to all of life. Those who might call it “god” or some other name. Who don’t know the true potential within them yet their hearts still connect with others.

Was I, at the moment this morning, participating in the process of the heart as it connects with another person and shares it’s love with that person? Knowing it was happening and being able to experience it. Well, I can’t give empirical evidence to support it but what I saw and felt was amazing and very powerful.

The bus left, the time that passed on felt like a minute or two. I was surprised when I felt the jerk forward. I felt like I was in a drug induced state all the rest of the way as tears remained welled up in my eyes.

I felt fine, merely peaceful when I arrived for the class. It wasn’t until about 2 hours into the class that my heart erupted in a whole new way. The instructor was talking about how to get employees to care about their jobs. She kept pushing that money was the motivator.

Suddenly, I just spoke out and went on for about 20 minutes. The class went silent. They didn’t know what to think. All they experienced was my passion. The passion I usually feel only in the controlled environment of my home, through writing. Now I was actually expressing these things directly to people.

I won’t go into the details of what was said but there was a point where I pounded my chest and said, “How do you get people to care? Caring comes from the heart. If it’s not in their heart, you can’t teach them to care. I am not motivated to do my job solely for money. Sure, I am forced to work by society. I have to do it. Yet, my work is not motivated by this. By taking this job I have signed a contract where I do my work with all my effort in exchange for money from the company. I adhere to this contract. Others don’t. They feel that a living is expected. That they deserve it. This is not the reality. If caring is not in their hearts then nothing we do will ever cause them to care except themselves.”

The instructor was stunned, being that this was only a small part of a long oration from me. When I was finished, or my heart was finished, my hands were shaking. They were all staring at me. Normally I would feel very insecure to be in the spotlight. I felt nothing of the sort. It took a little while for the passion to calm down inside of me.

During this time, the instructor, in an attempt to answer my question, went back to the psychology that her lesson contained. In a sense, trying to manipulate people into caring. I know she didn’t believe it, especially after all I had said. This is what she was paid to say to us. She rarely called on me or let me speak the rest of the day.

I still got a few words here and there but I could tell she was possibly afraid of what I was saying, simply because it invalidated all that she was teaching. Something she knew was invalid to begin with yet I just told the entire class. I told the entire class that, in order to truly work with joy, they must do it through their hearts. Not from their hearts but through their hearts. In a sense, I told her and the class the hopelessness for humanity that my heart has shown me. That, unless the people change their own hearts, they will never care.

So, that was my day. A very interesting one at that. My heart is taking me into places I’ve never gone before. Places where I would have previously been afraid to go. Places I wouldn’t have gone on my own. Only through trusting and living through my heart does my heart express itself through me. Expressing who I truly am with no facades or masks.

The Treasures We Find

Today I went out into the greater world for the first time since my recent journey of self awareness began. It was the first time where I’ve had to see people and life beyond the protected world that my heart has kept me in as I went through a very deep journey of self awareness.

It started out smoothly. I will admit, I was a bit concerned at first. I wasn’t sure I had planned out everything correctly. Even if I hadn’t I would have found my way. Instead, it all went smoother than I could have ever planned.

I sat on the train across from a kind young woman who pulled her feet off the seat so I could sit down. I took it as a gift from her. I watched, not directly, as she put her makeup on. She was dressed in a very sleek, black yoga or tight athletic pants. I had never seen anything like them before. Her black t shirt had a large “Nike” on it, with their emblem. It was also on her pants, only smaller and on the leg. She must like Nike.

While looking out the window, I couldn’t help but see her put her makeup on the side of her hand then, with a pad, she would pat her face with it.

There was a man down the aisle, sitting in his seat, his head lying back as he seemed to be sleeping. I watched as a young man got on the train and sat in the seat across the aisle from me and the young woman. He took a long look at her. He must have found her to be attractive. He looked over to her several times before settling in to looking at something on his phone and started poking at it.

I spent the day in a classroom of people, all white, where I had to deal with their egos and their need to be right about everything as they fed their egos. I sort of became impatient with it all after about 5 hours but I held it in for the most part.

Then, after the long day of training class, where I learned a couple of new things but, for the most part, it was simply going over much of what I already knew and over processes that the company would like to have implemented but reality makes it impossible. After the class, I walked to the bus stop where I had to wait about 20 minutes.

I sat on the grass and pulled out my phone and earbuds to settle into some music. I was more tired after sitting and enduring egos all day that I am after working hard, physical labor at work.

There was a young hispanic woman and her son sitting on the grass also. I sat down and started to settle in when I heard her talking to me in a very deep accent mixed with Spanish. I tried to understand but couldn’t the first time. She saw this and repeated a little slower and then I was able to pick out keywords. I said, “Yes. This is the bus stop for the bus you are looking for.” She smiled and nodded then went back to sitting with her son.

I went back to what I was doing.

The bus arrived and I got up to board the bus. They were both about 10 feet further away from where I was. Her son ran ahead and stood in the doorway of the bus. When I saw him I stepped back and stood back on the sidewalk as I waited for his mother, who was putting things into her bag. As she passed she looked at me with a beautiful smile and said, “Thank you.”

I hadn’t realized it but I have very strange codes of conduct that I adhere to in regards to others. I’ve seen many people get upset with my codes, especially if they are behind me and one of my codes causes me to wait when they don’t have the code to adhere to in their lives.

The code that stood out today was that of respect. I will not step between a mother and her child. It’s not because I’m afraid, like I would be with a mother bear with her cubs. No. It is purely out of respect. A respect that most people, especially white people, wouldn’t even notice if I was to do it for them.

But here was this Hispanic woman who probably just came to this country recently or in the past few years, was very aware of the respect that I, a white man, gave to her and her son.

She had to discuss a few things with the driver, who spoke Spanish also. I waited, then was able to board when they finished. She then passed me as she went back to the bus to sit with her son who didn’t want to sit where she sat in the front.

As she passed, she again gave me the most beautiful smile. Such a deep, meaningful smile that was a gift to me, possibly for my respect for her as a human being.

After about 15 minutes of riding they had the driver stop the bus and they got up to exit the bus. As they passed, she again gave me a beautiful smile and then waved to me as they got off the bus.

Okay, this brought to memory similar things I’ve experienced with Hispanic people at work. How sincerely grateful they are to me for helping a few of them with some things at work. Her, in this moment, I was experiencing such a beautiful show of love. It’s the only way I can describe it. Because, when this woman got off the bus after waving to me and giving me one last beautiful smile, tears filled my eyes at the grandness of this gift she had given me, simply because I answered a question and showed her and her son respect.

It was so refreshing and heart filling after spending a day with vain white people whose only desire was to be right. Sadly, I have to go back for more tomorrow. But, such as today, there are always beautiful treasures that my heart will give me, filling my heart, within it all.

Escaping Reality

I remembered an old friend of mine from back in the 90s. He was a bit older than me at the time and had already traveled the world and lived a rather exciting life. At that time he was living in a camper trailer that he pulled along behind his panel truck, trying to stay under the radar of society while still living a life within the society.

He told me many stories of his adventures and, in exchange, I shared my philosophical ideas of that time with him which he found interesting.

He once told me of the day he returned from Germany after living there in the 70s for many years as an electrical contractor working on military bases. When he arrived at the airport in New York City, he said it was like walking into a cartoon or Disneyland after having been in Germany for so long. All the flashing lights, billboards selling things etc. He said it was an overload of stimulation for him at first.

I’m sure Germany has changed since then. Possibly more “Americanized” as are many countries, the US being some sort of role model for the world while, at the same time, they all hate the US.

I’m also sure that the airport in New York City where he arrived is probably even more a circus that it was then. Probably with TVs in every corner, all tuned to some sort of media information from the US. Maybe all tuned to CNN who is offering today’s “facts.”

I wouldn’t know because I don’t go to places like that. It is interesting how simplified my life has become over the past decade where, except for riding my bike into the mountains, I rarely go but a few miles in any direction of where I live. Living within a city yet living like I live in a small town. This week will be the first time I have ventured out beyond a couple of miles in over a year. I will have to do it all week for a training seminar. It will be a strange adventure for me.

The reason the memory of this story came to mind is that, through the reality of the heart, this is how I feel about most of the things that, at one time, was simply a part of my life. Yesterday I saw that HBO was offering a free weekend through the cable TV. I thought, “Hmm. Maybe I will watch a movie.”

After going through every movie offered, trying out a few, I couldn’t find anything that interested me in the least. I found a movie called, “First Man.” I thought this would capture my attention because I used to enjoy movies like this. The first scene sort of caught my attention, as he was flying a test aircraft into the atmosphere and even beyond. Then, when he got out of the plane one the ground, I didn’t see Neil Armstrong. All I saw was Ryan Gosling, some guy who I see on tabloid covers at the store and occasionally in other media places.

I simply couldn’t shake this. It was just a man pretending to be someone else and my mind wouldn’t accept him as being anyone other than Ryan Gosling.

The same thing happened with other movies. I kept thinking, “Maybe if they didn’t overly glorify actors and insist that we know their private lives and who they are in real life, just left them as the characters they play in movies then maybe I could see them as the character. Even more, maybe they should use new actors for every role, especially those depicting real life people. So I don’t know who they are at all other than the character.”

Then I realized that the society gets off on their actors, treating them as royalty. Getting into their personal lives. Admiring them for, well, being people. People that they think are better than themselves. Celebrity worship.

So, here I am, it’s hot outside and I’m at that point in summer as I am in late winter, just waiting to see a change in the forecast, rather than seeing the same hot temperature day after day, sitting inside watching tennis game after tennis game. Not so much watching because I’m doing other things with it playing in the background. But still, all I can see is that there is no escape for me into the artificial realities that society offers to the people under the guise of art. Propaganda messages for us to look up to and want to become like.

I watched a small part of some action movie. All I could think was that is was like a ride at Disneyland. Especially if it were in a theater where, in some I’ve heard, actually have interactive chairs a person can sit in to get the “full experience.” I haven’t been to a movie theater in probably more than 5 years.

I really hadn’t realized how, even before this journey had begun, how disconnected I had become with the society. Even so, I still felt very connected in other ways. Still trying to find a place within it and suffering terrible anxiety because I knew I didn’t fit no matter how hard I tried. Feeling completely alone and isolated because I couldn’t relate to others in the same way that they related to others.

It is all so strange how comfortable I am now, even as it goes even deeper. Even further away from the society yet, all I can think of is how it is all I see with my eyes and nothing within it is of any real value to me anymore.

I mean, I love to work. I love to work hard. I don’t work hard for the company or to get a promotion. I work hard because I enjoy it. Because hard work also expands my heart. Many people keep asking me if I’m seeking to go into higher management because I work so hard. They can’t understand that I’m doing it purely for myself. It’s just who I am. When I was given this position, it gave me greater freedom. A freedom that many people see as being able to work slower and not have to put in as much effort. I, on the other hand, saw it as an opportunity to cut loose and be free to work even harder than I was before, because I was limited as to what I could do before. Now I have little limitations.

I don’t do anything “exciting” which is what most people are seeking or longing to do. They call those things “living life.” Going to the amusement park. Ziplining down a mountainside. Going out to clubs, drinking and partying and socializing with others. Doing things they wouldn’t normally do.

I’ve done all these things and more. I’ve no need for them, especially now that I see the vanity in it all. Yet, over the past year and especially this last week, I have been on great adventures that span both time and space. I’ve traveled through history. Been transported within my mind to places that none of these people would ever dream of going. They are probably unaware that they even exist. All of this while simply going about my everyday life working and living my little “boring” life. Boring it is definitely not.

As for being societally acceptable, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t even understand let alone want to do it. What fun is it to sit in a chair in my little living room and be able to travel through space and time, experiencing things that their movies will never give them.

So now, as I enter into a world, a reality that is far beyond even what I’ve known or ever understood existed, I look around and see all the things around me. All I see is loud, noisy, visually intrusive things that are cartoon like and Disneyland like in experiences and have no value in the least to life in the least. Except for those seeking to escape the reality that they have been forced to accept and are unable to see the true reality. The reality of the heart.

So, I get down and do my daily yoga routine, something that I have found after many months of doing it daily, has gradually changed my life in very significant ways. Not only physically but spiritually. Physically, I can literally do things I never could do before. It has helped me at work. Last week I was lifting a heavy, awkward box up to a higher shelf and it slipped. As I caught it my body twisted. Once i got it safely into place I thought, “Without yoga I would be in the hospital right now.” Instead, I felt as if nothing had happened.

Yesterday, while out walking, I bent over to tie my shoes. This used to be such a chore for me when I was heavier and my stomach would get in the way. I would have to literally sit down and lift my leg to me. Now, I just bend over in a full forward fold without bending my knee at all, and tie my shoe. I myself was surprised when I noticed what I was doing. It was so easy and there was no strain in doing it all. I couldn’t help but remember when I first started yoga and couldn’t bend lower than my hands touching my upper calf muscle.

I notice that when I walk I feel lighter than ever before, and not because I’m lighter than I was before. My body movement just comes natural. My posture much better and straighter. I no longer have cramps in my leg muscles and, most of all, my hip no longer hurts at all. My hip used to be very painful. Waking me up at night, along with cramps in my leg muscles. If I would roll over onto my hip it was send pain through my entire side. Now, not a thing. It’s like it never existed. I was so worried that I would have to have surgery for my hip. Now, I can do hip opening yoga postures with no effort, though they feel so good.

I remember when I couldn’t do the puppy pose very easy because my back and sides were so closed up. Over time it began to feel better but still took effort. Such a simple posture. Now I can fold down deep into it and it’s one of my favorite postures because it pulls deep, even the spine.

Today, when I was thinking of these things, figured I should now begin to expand into more complex postures that go even deeper. I’m so comfortable with my current practice that it is now easy to see a posture and simply do it. Unlike it was when I first started and could barely keep my balance in tabletop position.

Well, much has changed. I’ve been on the adventure of a lifetime. Much greater than any of the physical adventures that I’ve experienced throughout my life. It has led me to a place where, well, it does get a little confusing now. As I sit and watch the life I once lived. The things I once did, simply flow off my back and into a stream behind me, flowing away. I can only wonder what will replace these things, if anything.

There is no need to grieve their passing but I can’t help but do so. Many of them had been a part of my life even as long as when I was just a little boy. Now, they are all meaningless. Void of any value as my heart continues to be filled with a treasure that is so beautiful but that even I at times have no idea what to do with some of it. I’m sure this will come in time.

The Return

Yesterday I went for a walk. As I walked I saw the things that I see everyday. Yet, something was different.

It wasn’t the people. They were still out there doing what they do. Driving their cars, going here and there. Going into stores and buying things then returning to their cars with the things that they bought.

As I was walking I came upon a pond that I pass everyday. In the pond were ducks that are there most everyday. They were paddling about, dunking their heads in the water. Two of them has a little dispute and they splashed about for a moment then separated and calm returned to the water.

At first glance to the ducks I noticed something different. Something different about them. I turned my head away for a second then looked back. It didn’t go away. They were still ducks in duck form but how I saw them was different. The only way I can describe it is that I saw them in their true nature, not through the human narrative.

In that moment I was transported within my mind to a distant place in history. I saw the native people. Living their lives among nature. At that moment I realized why I had always been interested in them. Not because they were oppressed my white people. Killed and enslaved by them. In that moment I saw them in their true nature. Understanding that what the white people were seeking to kill wasn’t so much them as physical beings but their reality of being. The reality of the heart.

The native people of that time knew that, even if they assimilated into the white culture that invading the land where they lived, they would be slaughtered anyway. There were too many of them and they didn’t fit into the image that the white people had for the land. The white people used any excuse to kill them. Not always outright defiance. This outright defiance didn’t come until the native people knew there was no other way. When they knew that they would be slaughtered simply for being. Not for who they are physically but for the reality they lived within. The reality of the heart. Something that could never be taken out of them.

They were seen as savages because they were children of the heart. Innocent for the most part. Working with nature rather than against. They were just as the ducks and all other beings that existed on this planet, other than this particular strain of humans who believed themselves to be dominant of all other beings on the earth. Invading lands as if those lands were always intended for them. Taking possession of those lands and destroying everything that was in conflict to their desires.

They are still doing this.

This brought to mind something that I wrote many months ago while deep within the journey of self awareness. “The gods and goddesses have returned.” This is why I feel the feminine energy so strongly. It is because it is the energy that has been oppressed by the white, masculine dominated people. The earth is terribly out of balance and this balance is going to be returned.

When I thought of their return, it brought to mind what children often do when their parents are away. They do things they always want to do but their parents won’t let them when they are around. They stay up late. They over eat the foods that they can’t usually eat. The make a mess of the house and just live it up. In some cases, the older children might have a wild party.

Then, when the parents return, sometimes early, they find the house a mess. Kids from all around the neighborhood sleeping on the floors and on the couches. Things that they wouldn’t normally let the children have strewn about on tables and on the floors. They expected there would be some “freedom” expressed by their children but sometimes it goes far beyond what they would expect.

They feel angry and also disappointed in their children.

Well, I don’t know if these “gods and goddesses” are actual beings or if they are a force of nature and the universe simply here to put things back into balance. To clean up the mess their children have created. From some of the mythological stories left about upon the earth, during the time of the great flood, the gods and goddesses left the earth. Saying they would one day return.

In the bible. Jesus said that they will return. The first story was written before the second story of Jesus. In many ways, the first story as a whole was what the bible stories were based on, only changed to fit a different agenda. In some ways, it was the agenda of the wild children doing what they want while their parents are away. Mainly, taking over dominion of the earth and all the living beings of the earth. Here is the very basis of the white, masculine dominated agenda that has ruled the earth for all this time.

Well, they have had their party. They have destroyed the house. They have killed everything that got in their way. They continue this agenda even now, even though the gods and goddesses have returned. Acting out in complete defiance of their creators.

Well, in many ways, they have become so blinded that they can’t see that they have returned. In many ways, it is like the gods and goddesses are simply standing outside, looking through the window as the children go about their destruction.

Based on their stories, they believe that when they return they will sound trumpets and alert the humans of their return. Yet, this doesn’t coincide with the true nature of the heart. Again, humans have imposed their narrative upon the true nature of life. Their children placed lookouts to watch for when their parents return but they can’t see them because they are looking for things that they can relate to based on what they were taught life as being. So, the “gods and goddesses” don’t need to camouflage themselves. They are there in clear view. It’s because the defiant children have created a “reality’ that has blinded them to their existence that they can’t see them. In some ways, it is like the “gods and goddesses” are in another dimension. In fact, another reality. The reality of the heart. Not some “spiritual” reality where they are living while humans are living in the physical reality. They are in plain view, seen within every moment that we exist. The only way they can be seen is not by the eyes, but through the heart. The pure heart. The free heart. It requires a shift, not in perspective, but in reality.

Through this journey I have experienced many progressive perspective shifts. This is the first time I have experience as reality shift. It is like each perspective shift was removing more and more of the things that were blinding me to the reality of the heart.

I have to say that this last week has been very difficult for me. I’ve felt so many strange feelings and emotions. At times feeling great sorrow and grief. Other times feeling great agitation and unease. I can sort of relate it to someone forcing a square peg into a round hole. I have literally felt like things have been shaved off of me so that I can be fit into the hole.

I’ve sometimes felt as if I was in a state of falling. A thought came to mind reminding me of something I said to a friend decades ago. “I’ve gone too far and I can no longer turn back.” Here today, it is like I can’t stop it at all in any way. I have no choice but to go into this reality. A reality that, throughout my life, I’ve been aware of, written about during many different stages in my life. Thought about and written about in great detail throughout this recent journey. As I’ve always known, it is one thing to be able to see the image of something in your mind, it is completely different when it becomes reality.

When it becomes reality it is no longer a thought or image. It becomes real. Something that can be seen, touched and felt. It is no longer a dream. It is reality.

So I just allow myself to keep falling into it. Willingly fall into it because it is so beautiful. Even if I could I wouldn’t turn back. Even though it causes me great conflict with those of the other reality, still I keep going. I can’t help but remember something Jesus said, going back to the beatitudes. “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.”

“Me” is not Jesus. “Me” is the heart. All references such as “God,” “Father” and all other outside references places within the narrative of the story relates to the heart. In one sense, it was how they continued to masculine dominate what is not masculine dominated. To contain and control the very thing that Jesus was trying to free. Distorting his true message, because they realized how powerful and clear it was, in order to maintain the order of the white, masculine dominated agenda of dominating the earth for their own uses so they could continue their party while their parents are away.

I can’t help but think about how many people believe it to be the fallen angels that gave humanity technology. It is why the technology of all ages seemed to appear out of nowhere. This was in defiance of the true nature and reality of the heart. In other ways, it is like this technology was at first given with pure intentions but how humanity used it corrupted the technology. This brings to mind Nikola Tesla, who some say he believed he was getting his knowledge and information from another force. Many “geniuses’ have said the same thing. In most cases. Even in the case of Sigmund Freud, who had brought about a way of getting deeper into the consciousness of people and helping them, his “technology” was used to exploit the people and blind them even more of the true reality of their existence.

The “gods and goddesses” must have known that humans would misuse such technology so they chose not to give it to them. This defiance of those “fallen angels” has revealed this. Though, the agenda of the “fallen angels,” at least according to the stories, wasn’t for the progress of humanity but to destroy it. To destroy the children of the creators of whom they had a disagreement with.

This story can be validated by, not only in the bible, but in the Sumerian texts that the bible were based on. There was a faction of the “gods and goddesses” who rebelled against them They had been at war around the time of the great flood and were still trying to work things out.

It is fascinating how so many people choose to apply all reality to one account rather than using various accounts. In many ways, this isn’t their fault. Most are not aware of other accounts. They are victims of the blindness.

Well, I can say that it is true that the “gods and goddesses” have returned. They are here right in front of us, but most can’t see them because they are blinded by a false reality. They are here to restore balance, not only in the physical world but the “spiritual” world. Through this I was able to see the answer to the question I wrote in yesterday’s post. I had been answering it all along throughout my recent journey.

I simply couldn’t understand why people would choose destructive forces rather than the beauty of the creative forces. Why people would choose to live to judge others and condemn others, seeking to stifle and even destroy the heart. Well, it is simple. In one way, it could be seen as they don’t want to give up their stance of defiance to their creators. They want to believe that they are more powerful and know better than the creators. Than life itself. That they have dominion over all living things and that they can alter life and reality to fit their image of how life should be in their eyes.

It can also be seen in a way that they themselves are the very destroyers of themselves. They believe themselves to be in defiance of the creators, of life itself, yet they are actually a force put in place by the creators, or life itself, to end this madness and bring back into balance what some humans have caused to become severely out of balance. What a strange irony.

We who continue to be children of the “gods and goddesses” will have to endure this self destruction. Endure being shunned, isolated, bullied and even killed, just as was done to the children of the heart of the past. All while knowing that life doesn’t end when the physical body ceases to be. We merely change form.

Worlds Within A World

There is a saying. “Patient heal thyself.” Many say that the doctor is not the healer, the patient heals themselves. The doctor simply aids in this process. Or, at least this is how it should be. But, of course, as with most everything, many people like to put their own responsibility on others. And, by doing so allows many doctors to make lots of money.

This saying came to mind when I realized that my heart has been the most effective counselor or therapist I have ever had. In fact, as much as I wanted mental health therapy to work, it never did. I might feel better for a little while after each session but then would go back to where I was before until the next session. Truthfully, at the time, I simply needed someone to talk with. To express myself to someone. This is what made me temporarily feel better, not so much anything they did. In fact, there were times when I paid over $150 to them and they did absolutely nothing but listen to me. I couldn’t help but think upon leaving, “I could have paid a prostitute the same and got the same results. Maybe even better results.”

As I watch this process progress, seeing things reveal themselves that I nor any therapist would have ever thought to look for nor even thought of looking at, I can’t help but see my heart has now turned therapist for me. A therapist who actually knows the problems, knows my capability in handling things and, basically, knows me better than I know me.

I can say that this began with my heart pointing out each time when I judged another person. By doing so it them brought out a memory from my past when I was judged in a similar way. Then it placed me in the body of the person I just judged so I could receive the judgement. It has been very effective and has changed the way I view others in many ways beyond just judging them.

While going through this process, which continues to this day, I noticed how many times I actually judge people each day and also that the judgements were made more from habit of judging than anything else. I also noticed that judging others is something I was taught through being judged myself. I judge others the same as I myself have been judged.

Now a process has been added. Now my heart is revealing each time I worry about something or feel anxious about something. Again, I was amazed at how many times it happens each day and that it is mostly by habit that it is happening. It is almost like it is part of my autopilot.

These worries vary from worries about the future to how I might think others are thinking of me. It is strange because I have written about these things in the past and even though they weren’t affecting me as much. Well, it has gone down from the past where it was near constant to the point of extreme anxiety but it is still there. I have noticed it on my own. It comes and goes without much concern. Yet, even though it doesn’t take hold like it used to do in the past, it still affects me overall over time. It builds up within me causing unnecessary stress. A stress that, at times, doesn’t seem to have a cause. This is mostly because none of these worry events stay with me so I can identify them when I feel stress, yet the residue of the short lived experiences live on within me.

Now my heart is pointing them out, one by one. I still feel them and experience them but I also come to understand them. Understand their cause, finding that the cause is rarely with other people but within me. It is related to past insecurities and ways I’ve been treated by others in the past. It is caused by the same things as what causes me to judge others. This is because worry is nothing more than judging turned backwards. I am merely judging myself and my own abilities.

I’ve noticed that some of the worries come from others who sadly, want to see me fail for some reason. We all experience these people. People, such as bullies, who simply want to stifle the heart rather than expand the heart. It is almost like it is their goal to cause the heart to close up.

This brought to mind evil. One might think that it is the physical world that is trying to stifle the heart. But the physical world has no reason to do this. In fact, it benefits from the expansion of the heart. So why do people strive to stifle the heart of others, attempting to make it so their hearts don’t expand but instead contract and close up? It happens everyday to most every person in some way.

It is caused by judging others. When we judge others unfairly we are simply imposing on them our own insecurities and inability to see our own true beauty, therefore we try to stifle others from experiencing and, in turn, expressing their true beauty.

If I were to define an “evil” in the world, this would be it. It is within most every aspect of our lives. It is within the political world. It is within our workplaces. It is within our schools. In fact, this is when most people learn to be this way, as children. Mostly because they themselves were treated in such a way so they then express this same pain on others. Like I said, both judgment and worry are connected. Even worry for our own wellbeing, such as how we will pay the bills. These are all judgements upon ourselves and our own abilities.

Though we might blame others for these things happening to us, such as losing our job or other things that put us into a situation where we become afraid, only we can get ourselves out of these situations. Again, how can worry make these situations any better. As I’ve learned from my heart, to focus solely on the heart in all circumstances and conditions in life, will do more for us than any form of worry or fear.

Worry and fear are actually self punishment. Though we might be blaming the circumstances for our condition, we are actually punishing ourselves and even judging ourselves for the conditions we are experiences. Thus, when we do this, it causes us to freeze up and not be able to act with a clear mind. We are actually stifling our hearts, rather than expanding our hearts.

It’s funny that when we feel that another person is judging us we are projecting the image of the judgement upon ourselves and experiencing the judgement, whether real or imagined, within ourselves. We are simply judging ourselves and blaming others for that judgement.

I find this interesting because these two things, my judgement of others and my judgement of myself, are the two largest barriers that stifle me from my own heart. They have also prevented me from seeing something that I knew existed. I have even described it in many ways, but have never actually experienced it. It is the underlying reality beneath the illusion we call reality. It could be described as the “spiritual” reality.

As these things are both revealed to me and, through being revealed, I can then let them go, I find myself experiencing glimpses of this underlying reality. This seeming background reality that seems to affect things within the physical reality in a seemingly supernatural way. We all know there is something else there but we can’t see it. We experience it when if affects our lives. When it does we call it the work of some outside source, such as “god.” or some other name that we give to it. When, in fact, this world exists within us. This reality is our true reality.

As I looked deeper at this I saw that many times the pain that I’ve felt, often through feeling judged or worrying about something, are often conflicts I am having between what I perceive to be reality and the true reality of my heart. Usually it came at times when my heart was trying to guide me, I was hearing my heart but unwilling to accept it because it didn’t fit within my perceived reality.

It is at this point where I am now seeing the difference between perception and actual reality. Actual reality is this underlying force or world beneath the illusion that we have been taught as being reality.

What I find interesting about this is that judgement of others, judgement of the self and worry and concern for the physical body are the main things that keep us from seeing this actual reality. All things that each and every one of us deals with each day in some form, even if we know it or not. In a sense, we have been taught to be “evil.” Taught to both stifle our own hearts and the hearts of others.

It seems strange that we would be taught to do ourselves harm and they call it the right thing to do. That to be concerned for one’s physical life is more important than the very source that gives us life. To focus on our physical needs and desires rather than to focus on our hearts and our true reality. A reality that humans throughout history have seemingly gone to great lengths to prevent us from knowing.

I can’t help but ask why. The funny thing is that I don’t get an answer. Every time I ask this question I get nothing but silence. In a sense, it is like there is no human answer to this condition. Like there is no way to define it in human terms. Maybe it is within the observations itself. Something that is a combination of the observations of it all. Maybe it is simply the pressure that is necessary for the heart to expand and then change form, such as the pressure that is required for energy of any form to change form.

What’s interesting is that many people, often religious people, call the source of this conflict, Satan or Lucifer the fallen angel. The opposite of the heart or, in their definition, “god.” They often blame the physical world entirely for this “evil.” yet I don’t see it. They also blame the natural man for this. Again, I don’t see this. The natural man, a person without conscious awareness, would not behave in such a way. It wouldn’t know to do so.

The only source for this “evil” is in how people are using their conscious awareness. It must be the toxic byproduct of choice. What is usually done with the toxic byproduct of a product? It is usually discarded. Why then do people allow themselves to become this toxic byproduct?

I can’t believe all the questions that have come up from three related things that are so common in all of our lives, judging others and worry for our physical well being. This is how I feel right now. I have experienced much confusion since I first had a glimpse of the reality of the heart. In truth, it is not like anything I’ve ever seen before, even though I’ve been able to describe it in rudimentary ways throughout my life.

So, my journey first took me on an adventure of self awareness. Then it took me on the adventure of relating myself to the world around me. Now, it is taking me on an adventure into a world beyond these two worlds yet this world composes all that makes up these other worlds. World that both exist and don’t exist. Worlds that are merely expressions of human desire manifested and imposed upon the physical. By doing so, humans also defined laws that are not compatible with the laws of either the “spiritual” laws or the physical laws.

Are humans today actually creating their own modern Tower of Babel. Their own stairway to heaven where they can bypass their “god” and seek to become gods themselves. Even seeking to overcome the very creator that created them. Wow! And to think that the dream of many humans is to create life themselves. Even if it is artificial life. Some believe this would be the greatest thing ever. Others believe that this life would destroy humanity.. And here we find that humanity itself could be seeking to overthrow their own creator. Destroy their creator. Destroy life itself.

All because they feel judged and therefore express this judgement upon each other and life itself. Declaring dominion over life itself. They are constantly concerned for their own physical wellbeing, believing that only they can provide for themselves these own needs and desires. Denying love and their own hearts, the source of love, and seeking to control their own destiny. A destiny that was and will always be beyond their own control.

I still can’t help but ask why, but I think the answer is right in front of my face. In each and every day.

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